This last week God has been taking such good care of me! I had such a bad week prior and was just kinda feeling "done." Then, it was like i turned the corner and ran smack dab into the arms of God... He held me all week. It was as if He had His big arm draped over my shoulder and he was leading me through the week, surprising me with little delights along the way... Here are just a few...
Last Sunday, the youth service was awesome... you could just feel something different in the room. Worship went great and Mike did an amazing message. That night we got to take the youth ICE SKATING! I was pretty sure i was going to break my arm... but i only went around the rink 3 times... so i was safe. It was such a FUN TIME! Afterwards we went to a Sonic and had some yummy food. I enjoyed hanging out and laughing with the other youth workers. But the best part was on the ride home. One of our girls told us that she really liked Mike's message from that morning, and that she had felt the Holy Spirit during worship. That was all i needed... i was on top of the world. Thank you God for a perfect, fun, crazy day with the youth!
This week i also went to breakfast with my friend Kym. We met at 9am and had delicious Panera. We don't see each other often, so we needed to catch up. We talked about EVERYTHING... three hours later we were still in the same booth, chatting away! It was so neat to talk about the Lord, and our passions, and different things. I walked away feeling filled with Joy. What a blessing!
Friday night i went to Disneyland with my friends Bre and Steve. It SHOULDN'T have been a fun night at all... the lines were long... a bunch of rides were closed... it was rainy... i fell on the teacups (hahaha)... we were tired... etc. etc. But, it was the best night i have had in a long time! We had the most amazing conversations. We sat on the curb on Main Street, eating ice cream, and just talking. We reminisced a bunch about our days at Forest Home... and did a lot of people watching. The next thing we knew, Disneyland was empty and it was one am. So, onto the drive home... MORE amazing conversations... about how GOOD God is... about the things He is teaching us... about the youth in our churches... about worship... about life. When we made it back to Bre's house we sat in her car and talked for a few more hours. We didn't get home till 4am. It was a great night!
And lastly, i had a good night last night. Good convos after work... good convos on facebook chat... good convos thru text messages till 2am. Ridiculous smile on my face.
God just filled me up this week! I feel refreshed and renewed! I am in LOVE with my Jesus! <3
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
BabyBird
I have a dear friend, Savannah, whom i have grown to love tremendously over the last few months. We text each other ALL the time and share our troubles and our joys with each other. She lives in Arizona, but a few weeks ago she was in CA and came to stay with me for a night. Now, Sav has been going through a LOT of tough stuff in her life... poor decisions that were pulling her away from the Lord. She said she didn't feel like she belonged at church cuz she was "mad at God." She wanted Him to prove Himself... prove that He was there... prove that He loved her.
The night that Sav was visiting me we had a prayer gathering in Redlands. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, that i would be at this prayer thing for most of the night. (Funny how God's timing worked on that one huh?) Well, she got to the prayer night just as we were getting ready to lead worship. We were supposed to sing a few hours earlier, but got pushed back (God's timing yet again). During worship Justin felt led to sing a line over and over, singing, "God, You are for me, You're not against me." I thot nothing of it at the time. When Sav and i got home we stayed up talking for HOURS... and she brought up that song. She said that she found it funny cuz God must be against her, she said her life couldn't get any worse.
I realized a few days later that God WAS showing Himself to Savvy... I emailed her and told her that if she was expecting God to show Himself with thunder and lightning and fireworks, that she was wrong... There was a REASON she was staying with me the night of the prayer gathering... there was a REASON Justin sang those words... there was a REASON that it got to her... God was showing Himself to her by whispering to her heart. I know it was a lot for her to take in at the time... but i also know that it gave her something to dwell on... think about... marinate, if you will.
Tuesday morning, about 2am, i was lying awake in my bed and had a vision. I have never had a vision before, but i have been praying for God to allow these type of things to flourish in my life... and as i laid there i KNEW it was from God... and i KNEW it was for Savannah. I saw this perfect little bird. So tiny and sweet. It was trying to fly but it's little wings were broken. It flapped around on the ground and eventually came to the feet of a big man. This big man scooped up the baby bird in his big hands and said to it, "It's ok little one, I've got you. I will hold you and take care of you. You might be broken, but i'll fix you." I called Savannah at stinking 2am in the morning and told her that SHE was that bird and that GOD was that big man. I didn't know what to make of it at the time... but i KNEW she needed to hear that.
Last week was rough, as i already mentioned. But Wednesday morning it got even rougher. I woke up to a voicemail telling me that Savannah had been in a car accident Tuesday night (the same day that i called her at 2am). Things weren't looking good. As the days progressed, the updates got more serious. Crushed pelvis... brain injury... severed nerve which will cause her to loose the use of her right leg... coma... oxygen levels dropping... they just kept getting worse, and we kept getting discouraged. My baby bird was BROKEN.
My friends and i had pretty much come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to make it out of this, and that she was going to go home with Jesus. We were heartbroken. I didn't do anything without thinking about her... i couldn't get over that vision and God's timing in it all... there HAD to be a purpose behind it all.
Saturday night came and i know that people all over the WORLD were praying for her. We prayed for her at SNL, and something changed inside of me... my outlook on it all became hopeful. I even talked to some of the girls and their outlook had changed as well! God began to give us all hope and peace. And sure enough her updates became more positive. Surgery to fix her pelvis went well... oxygen levels are better... almost breathing on her own... fluttered her eyelashes... heart rate increases... she MOVED her RIGHT LEG! Every time we checked the website that her mom is updating, it was another positive thing. My baby bird is going to fly again!
We know not to get TOO excited about the good stuff, and not got TOO upset about the bad stuff. But we also know that our GOD is a GOD that is bigger than car accidents, bigger than comas, bigger than nerves in your leg. And we have a hope that she is going to wake up and go DANCING out of that hospital!
Please keep my little bird, Savannah, in your prayers.
Thanks!
The night that Sav was visiting me we had a prayer gathering in Redlands. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, that i would be at this prayer thing for most of the night. (Funny how God's timing worked on that one huh?) Well, she got to the prayer night just as we were getting ready to lead worship. We were supposed to sing a few hours earlier, but got pushed back (God's timing yet again). During worship Justin felt led to sing a line over and over, singing, "God, You are for me, You're not against me." I thot nothing of it at the time. When Sav and i got home we stayed up talking for HOURS... and she brought up that song. She said that she found it funny cuz God must be against her, she said her life couldn't get any worse.
I realized a few days later that God WAS showing Himself to Savvy... I emailed her and told her that if she was expecting God to show Himself with thunder and lightning and fireworks, that she was wrong... There was a REASON she was staying with me the night of the prayer gathering... there was a REASON Justin sang those words... there was a REASON that it got to her... God was showing Himself to her by whispering to her heart. I know it was a lot for her to take in at the time... but i also know that it gave her something to dwell on... think about... marinate, if you will.
Tuesday morning, about 2am, i was lying awake in my bed and had a vision. I have never had a vision before, but i have been praying for God to allow these type of things to flourish in my life... and as i laid there i KNEW it was from God... and i KNEW it was for Savannah. I saw this perfect little bird. So tiny and sweet. It was trying to fly but it's little wings were broken. It flapped around on the ground and eventually came to the feet of a big man. This big man scooped up the baby bird in his big hands and said to it, "It's ok little one, I've got you. I will hold you and take care of you. You might be broken, but i'll fix you." I called Savannah at stinking 2am in the morning and told her that SHE was that bird and that GOD was that big man. I didn't know what to make of it at the time... but i KNEW she needed to hear that.
Last week was rough, as i already mentioned. But Wednesday morning it got even rougher. I woke up to a voicemail telling me that Savannah had been in a car accident Tuesday night (the same day that i called her at 2am). Things weren't looking good. As the days progressed, the updates got more serious. Crushed pelvis... brain injury... severed nerve which will cause her to loose the use of her right leg... coma... oxygen levels dropping... they just kept getting worse, and we kept getting discouraged. My baby bird was BROKEN.
My friends and i had pretty much come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to make it out of this, and that she was going to go home with Jesus. We were heartbroken. I didn't do anything without thinking about her... i couldn't get over that vision and God's timing in it all... there HAD to be a purpose behind it all.
Saturday night came and i know that people all over the WORLD were praying for her. We prayed for her at SNL, and something changed inside of me... my outlook on it all became hopeful. I even talked to some of the girls and their outlook had changed as well! God began to give us all hope and peace. And sure enough her updates became more positive. Surgery to fix her pelvis went well... oxygen levels are better... almost breathing on her own... fluttered her eyelashes... heart rate increases... she MOVED her RIGHT LEG! Every time we checked the website that her mom is updating, it was another positive thing. My baby bird is going to fly again!
We know not to get TOO excited about the good stuff, and not got TOO upset about the bad stuff. But we also know that our GOD is a GOD that is bigger than car accidents, bigger than comas, bigger than nerves in your leg. And we have a hope that she is going to wake up and go DANCING out of that hospital!
Please keep my little bird, Savannah, in your prayers.
Thanks!
Band-Aids
Wow... it's been two months since i last sat down and shared my thoughts... Lately i have been thinking in "Blog"... i mean literally laying in bed, trying to sleep, but writing a blog in my head. It's ridiculous. Hahaha... well, a ton has happened... but today i think i only have time to write about one... so consider this Part One of my three-part blog catch-up! :)
Here we go!
My heart has been hurting lately. But Jesus always seems to put on the band-aids for me... he should really take up stock in band-aids... he's handing them out like lollipops to little kids. I feel like i'm falling down and getting scraped up around every corner. It gets tiring, but i know it's going to all make sense one day.
A few weeks ago i was at House 2 Home (the church in Alta Loma that i go to) and my heart felt super heavy. Something just wasn't right within me. During worship i couldn't even sing... now THAT is when you KNOW somethings up... when i can't even enjoy my favorite thing! I stood there listening to the words and arguing with God... I want the joy of the Lord in my life "Yeah God... i do... so WHERE IS IT!?" We'll be a dancing generation... "I don't FEEL like dancing God!" After a few songs i finally broke. I was on my knees in front of God, simply sobbing... i havent cried that hard in a long time. I felt like my heart was breaking... and it hurt... but at the same time it was as if God was whispering to me the whole time, "Daughter, i've got you. I know you are hurting... but you gave your heart away! That heart of yours is meant for me! I am going to get it back, and it might hurt a little, but i've got you. You are here in my hands and i've got the perfect band-aid. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. It's ok. I've got you!" So i just cried to my Daddy God... and He was right. I was about to get hurt, and He was going to hold onto me.
That day was tough. I cried on and off mostly all day. I did have a wonderful talk with an old friend... He took me to get ice cream. I felt better... for a while. But the next day when i woke up i felt drained. I didn't want to eat... i couldn't fall back asleep... i didn't want to do anything. I decided that i officially had what i like to call a "Heart Hangover." I kinda felt like i was walking around in a daze... another friend lost... great. I was completely out of it for those first two days. Wednesday came around and something much bigger came up (thats for the next blog) and i completely pushed all this hurt aside. I didn't have time to worry or be upset about this anymore...
Saturday night rolls around and it's the end of another long month. Which means "Saturday Night Live" at House 2 Home. Every last Saturday we put on a prayer and worship night and it is amazing. People get blown away by the presence of God every time... it's never the same... i LOVE it. Well... while the concerns from Wednesday were first on my heart, i realized there at church that i never really finished being hurt... going through the process and healing... And thats when i realized it was time for some forgiveness... yuck. never a fun thing. I sat there and listened while these young kids took turns getting up and praying and interceding for their friends. I felt that i really needed to pray for my friend Andy, but as i was walking up to the microphone i realized, "How can i stand here and pray for someone that i love, when i am angry and bitter at someone else that i love..." ugh. i was torn. That's when i remembered that little piece on forgiveness from the book "Captivating." I have posted it twice before... you better believe i am posting it again. It's a good thing to remember...
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God."
Yup... once again i released all of this over to God. Right there in front of everyone. It wasnt easy, and my friend knows that. But, I love that it says that it is a choice... not a feeling. Cuz let me tell you, i don't FEEL very forgiving when it comes to MY heart being broken... but i CHOOSE to forgive because i truly love this friend... and i will CHOOSE to forgive him everytime this hurt comes up in my mind. Maybe thats what He meant when Jesus said, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:22) You don't just forgive once, but every time you bring it back up in your mind you have to make that choice to forgive again... even 77 times. hmm...
***Geeze, God... You did it again... why do i doubt? You are too good!***
Anyways... thats the story of my recent need for another band-aid.
Stay tuned for my next blog... maybe i'll go get some coffee and finish it today as well...
Here we go!
My heart has been hurting lately. But Jesus always seems to put on the band-aids for me... he should really take up stock in band-aids... he's handing them out like lollipops to little kids. I feel like i'm falling down and getting scraped up around every corner. It gets tiring, but i know it's going to all make sense one day.
A few weeks ago i was at House 2 Home (the church in Alta Loma that i go to) and my heart felt super heavy. Something just wasn't right within me. During worship i couldn't even sing... now THAT is when you KNOW somethings up... when i can't even enjoy my favorite thing! I stood there listening to the words and arguing with God... I want the joy of the Lord in my life "Yeah God... i do... so WHERE IS IT!?" We'll be a dancing generation... "I don't FEEL like dancing God!" After a few songs i finally broke. I was on my knees in front of God, simply sobbing... i havent cried that hard in a long time. I felt like my heart was breaking... and it hurt... but at the same time it was as if God was whispering to me the whole time, "Daughter, i've got you. I know you are hurting... but you gave your heart away! That heart of yours is meant for me! I am going to get it back, and it might hurt a little, but i've got you. You are here in my hands and i've got the perfect band-aid. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. It's ok. I've got you!" So i just cried to my Daddy God... and He was right. I was about to get hurt, and He was going to hold onto me.
That day was tough. I cried on and off mostly all day. I did have a wonderful talk with an old friend... He took me to get ice cream. I felt better... for a while. But the next day when i woke up i felt drained. I didn't want to eat... i couldn't fall back asleep... i didn't want to do anything. I decided that i officially had what i like to call a "Heart Hangover." I kinda felt like i was walking around in a daze... another friend lost... great. I was completely out of it for those first two days. Wednesday came around and something much bigger came up (thats for the next blog) and i completely pushed all this hurt aside. I didn't have time to worry or be upset about this anymore...
Saturday night rolls around and it's the end of another long month. Which means "Saturday Night Live" at House 2 Home. Every last Saturday we put on a prayer and worship night and it is amazing. People get blown away by the presence of God every time... it's never the same... i LOVE it. Well... while the concerns from Wednesday were first on my heart, i realized there at church that i never really finished being hurt... going through the process and healing... And thats when i realized it was time for some forgiveness... yuck. never a fun thing. I sat there and listened while these young kids took turns getting up and praying and interceding for their friends. I felt that i really needed to pray for my friend Andy, but as i was walking up to the microphone i realized, "How can i stand here and pray for someone that i love, when i am angry and bitter at someone else that i love..." ugh. i was torn. That's when i remembered that little piece on forgiveness from the book "Captivating." I have posted it twice before... you better believe i am posting it again. It's a good thing to remember...
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God."
Yup... once again i released all of this over to God. Right there in front of everyone. It wasnt easy, and my friend knows that. But, I love that it says that it is a choice... not a feeling. Cuz let me tell you, i don't FEEL very forgiving when it comes to MY heart being broken... but i CHOOSE to forgive because i truly love this friend... and i will CHOOSE to forgive him everytime this hurt comes up in my mind. Maybe thats what He meant when Jesus said, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:22) You don't just forgive once, but every time you bring it back up in your mind you have to make that choice to forgive again... even 77 times. hmm...
***Geeze, God... You did it again... why do i doubt? You are too good!***
Anyways... thats the story of my recent need for another band-aid.
Stay tuned for my next blog... maybe i'll go get some coffee and finish it today as well...
Monday, February 2, 2009
God's provision...
God is SO good! I have been looking for a job since the beginning of the year... i was getting a little stressed because it just felt like there was NOTHING out there. Well, last week i finally found myself saying, "It's OK. God will take care of it. He did before, he'll do it again." And then, the DAY AFTER those words were muttered out of my mouth TWO doors were opened.
I put in an application back in October at Berean Christian bookstores. I did it on a whim... not really expecting anything. And i completely forgot about it. Well last week they called to tell me they had an open position and would like to interview me. So, i went in this morning for an interview and walked out with a JOB!
Also, the same day that Berean calls, i get an email from the radio station i was working at. They have some temporary work for me to do. So, after my interview this morning i went over to KSGN to tell them the good/bad news... awesome that i got a job... not so awesome that i can't be there at the station all the time. But, i will still be able to do work for them whenever I'm not working at Berean.
And, on top of all this goodness, the station manager emails me tonight about doing some work at home for them! I am basically their "Facebook girl!" It sounds so silly! But i am creating a page for the station, and running it and updating it. There will be places for people to listen online, to donate, we will post photos, etc. And they are going to PAY ME!
WHAT!?
So, as SOON as i hand it ALL over to God and say "No big deal, God... you've got this!" then... BAM! I get basically two new jobs on the same day! Now... why doesn't it work the same when it comes to relationships? hahaha Guess i haven't completely given that one over yet... man... i gotta get on that! :)
I put in an application back in October at Berean Christian bookstores. I did it on a whim... not really expecting anything. And i completely forgot about it. Well last week they called to tell me they had an open position and would like to interview me. So, i went in this morning for an interview and walked out with a JOB!
Also, the same day that Berean calls, i get an email from the radio station i was working at. They have some temporary work for me to do. So, after my interview this morning i went over to KSGN to tell them the good/bad news... awesome that i got a job... not so awesome that i can't be there at the station all the time. But, i will still be able to do work for them whenever I'm not working at Berean.
And, on top of all this goodness, the station manager emails me tonight about doing some work at home for them! I am basically their "Facebook girl!" It sounds so silly! But i am creating a page for the station, and running it and updating it. There will be places for people to listen online, to donate, we will post photos, etc. And they are going to PAY ME!
WHAT!?
So, as SOON as i hand it ALL over to God and say "No big deal, God... you've got this!" then... BAM! I get basically two new jobs on the same day! Now... why doesn't it work the same when it comes to relationships? hahaha Guess i haven't completely given that one over yet... man... i gotta get on that! :)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
now onto bigger and better things...
This weekend was amazing! God did some crazy things and I'm so excited about them! On Saturday i got to play and sing my own songs at a coffee shop in Highland. I was so blessed by the family and friends that came to see me! Before i started i was BEYOND nervous... i thought i was going to throw up for sure! But after the first song, i felt great! It was so cool to be able to sing my OWN stuff... I wish i had more than four songs, and a thirty minute slot... i could have played for hours!
After the showcase, a few friends and i went to a worship service. AMAZING things happened here! The majority of people there were teenagers... and they were ready and willing to be rocked by the Lord. During worship these kids were dancing and singing... they were on their knees... on their faces... crying out to God! It was so moving! I want that same passion for worship to spread to my youth group that i work with... And i fully believe that the Lord will bring it in His own time. All in all it was a great night! Here is what the Lord showed me that night...
As you probably read, in my last blog, i had a recent "falling out" of sorts with a close friend. I really wanted to "forgive and forget" but it was SO hard to do! The worldly part of me wanted to say, "No way! He hurt me bad and he needs to make up for that! He needs to be reminded of what he did! He owes me!" But that isn't what we are called to do! Saturday night i looked over at my friend... on his knees in worship, and my heart broke for him. I remembered something i had read a while back about forgiveness: (yes i have posted this in a blog before... it's THAT good!)
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God."
So i did just that... i allowed God to bring up that hurt... and then i extended forgiveness to my friend. I had to make a conscious decision to not dwell on what happened... but to simply move forward. I am so thankful that the Lord opened my eyes to this. All though it is hard and still hurts often... i know the Lord is teaching us both and stretching us both... and he has got some bigger and better things planned... i can't wait!
After the showcase, a few friends and i went to a worship service. AMAZING things happened here! The majority of people there were teenagers... and they were ready and willing to be rocked by the Lord. During worship these kids were dancing and singing... they were on their knees... on their faces... crying out to God! It was so moving! I want that same passion for worship to spread to my youth group that i work with... And i fully believe that the Lord will bring it in His own time. All in all it was a great night! Here is what the Lord showed me that night...
As you probably read, in my last blog, i had a recent "falling out" of sorts with a close friend. I really wanted to "forgive and forget" but it was SO hard to do! The worldly part of me wanted to say, "No way! He hurt me bad and he needs to make up for that! He needs to be reminded of what he did! He owes me!" But that isn't what we are called to do! Saturday night i looked over at my friend... on his knees in worship, and my heart broke for him. I remembered something i had read a while back about forgiveness: (yes i have posted this in a blog before... it's THAT good!)
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God."
So i did just that... i allowed God to bring up that hurt... and then i extended forgiveness to my friend. I had to make a conscious decision to not dwell on what happened... but to simply move forward. I am so thankful that the Lord opened my eyes to this. All though it is hard and still hurts often... i know the Lord is teaching us both and stretching us both... and he has got some bigger and better things planned... i can't wait!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
thinking about friendships...
What is a true friend?
I mean, what does that look like? What does it entail?
Does a true friend say things like how your friendship means nothing to them?
Or how about only being able to handle you in small doses?
Even after the apologies... Does a true friend get out there phone and respond to a text message while you are in the middle of pouring out your heart?
No. I didn't think so.
Is it someone who you share the same likes and dislikes with?
Who you share the same passions with?
Who you share the same desires with?
Or is it someone who laughs at the same inappropriate jokes as you?
Saves you all the red Sour Patch Kids?
The cherry from their cherry coke?
Is a true friend the person who answers the phone at one in the morning to listen to you cry, and talk you through your pain?
Who tells you the truth, even when it sucks?
Yeah. That's more like it.
Jesus was the ultimate True Friend.
And Jesus, He was LOVE.
True friends are patient with you and don't give up.
True friends speak kind words and do kind things.
True friends aren't rude.
True friends don't have an "it's all about me" attitude.
True friends are slow to anger and don't hold grudges.
True friends delight in the truth.
True friends put up with anything.
True friends trust God in the relationship.
True friends always look for the best.
True friends never look back, but keep going to the end.
***Lord, please heal my heart... and help me to forgive him. I may be hurt, but i also need to continue in love. Just like your word says. I don't know what's next... i don't know what the next step is. I don't even know what to pray anymore. I trust that as long as i keep my eyes focused on You, that you will take care of me. Help me to keep those verses close to heart. Bring them to mind whenever i get upset. God, heal this broken friendship. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. And i don't know why that is. I know i need to extend grace and forgiveness in the areas where i have been hurt, help me in that. God, if there is a purpose within this friendship, let it grow and flourish. But above all else, heal my heart. I'm feeling an incredible amount of pain from that ONE comment... i can't get it out of my mind! How do i move on from that? Lord show me... and Lord... show him. As you work in me, do the same for him. I lift us both up to you... only YOU know what's best. You've got some crazy plan hidden up your sleeve. Take this ALL from me! Thank you for being the ultimate friend... and for showing me what LOVE is!***
I mean, what does that look like? What does it entail?
Does a true friend say things like how your friendship means nothing to them?
Or how about only being able to handle you in small doses?
Even after the apologies... Does a true friend get out there phone and respond to a text message while you are in the middle of pouring out your heart?
No. I didn't think so.
Is it someone who you share the same likes and dislikes with?
Who you share the same passions with?
Who you share the same desires with?
Or is it someone who laughs at the same inappropriate jokes as you?
Saves you all the red Sour Patch Kids?
The cherry from their cherry coke?
Is a true friend the person who answers the phone at one in the morning to listen to you cry, and talk you through your pain?
Who tells you the truth, even when it sucks?
Yeah. That's more like it.
Jesus was the ultimate True Friend.
And Jesus, He was LOVE.
True friends are patient with you and don't give up.
True friends speak kind words and do kind things.
True friends aren't rude.
True friends don't have an "it's all about me" attitude.
True friends are slow to anger and don't hold grudges.
True friends delight in the truth.
True friends put up with anything.
True friends trust God in the relationship.
True friends always look for the best.
True friends never look back, but keep going to the end.
***Lord, please heal my heart... and help me to forgive him. I may be hurt, but i also need to continue in love. Just like your word says. I don't know what's next... i don't know what the next step is. I don't even know what to pray anymore. I trust that as long as i keep my eyes focused on You, that you will take care of me. Help me to keep those verses close to heart. Bring them to mind whenever i get upset. God, heal this broken friendship. I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet. And i don't know why that is. I know i need to extend grace and forgiveness in the areas where i have been hurt, help me in that. God, if there is a purpose within this friendship, let it grow and flourish. But above all else, heal my heart. I'm feeling an incredible amount of pain from that ONE comment... i can't get it out of my mind! How do i move on from that? Lord show me... and Lord... show him. As you work in me, do the same for him. I lift us both up to you... only YOU know what's best. You've got some crazy plan hidden up your sleeve. Take this ALL from me! Thank you for being the ultimate friend... and for showing me what LOVE is!***
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
i feel a little crazy....
It's been a rough week for me... LOTS going on around me...LOTS going on inside my head.
For instance... I no longer have a job. I was working at a local Christian radio station, but they no longer have the funds to keep me hired on. I totally understand this... but i DO miss it. I made some wonderful friendships there. I am hoping to one day be able to go back and work there again. But not having a job is a little stressful and definitely not what i needed on top of all this other stuff...
Also, this last weekend i had a TINY little breakdown. Got into a fight with the parents... cried my eyes out... had nowhere to go... ya know... one of my typical episodes. It was harder still this time because as i sat outside looking at my cell phone, trying to figure out who i could call to come "rescue me" from that disaster... i realized i was pretty much alone. I ended up being fine after all and spent most of my night thinking about and re-evaluating what a "true friend" is. That was a little painful.
Speaking of that whole situation... regarding friendships and all... Last night i sat down and watched the movie "The Holiday" and definitely broke down in tears during one scene. I found the movie quotes online...
"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you... I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."
Um... OUCH! Right? So, as far as this whole situation goes... i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I will simply just continue to pray so hard for restoration and healing. If you want, you all can pray with me in that. (If you know me at all, you know what this is about!) It got a little bit more complicated today... but nothing worth blogging about! Hahaha
BUT... on a much HAPPIER note... i am hopefully starting to get more involved in ministry at my church. I should be back doing worship for the youth soon, and maybe even worship for the main sanctuary on a rotating worship team. I feel like the Lord is telling me to POUR myself into worship ministry right now. Now that i have had a little break from being in ministry, i have been exposed to some awesome times of worship. Some of my favorite times were simply with just one guitar, and people with hearts for worship. But REAL worship... unashamed... no abandon worship. So now i really want to encourage and lead the people (especially the youth) of my church in this type of worship. I get excited when i think about the future of my church. So right now i am putting my efforts and enthusiasms into church... into my friends wedding (I'm her maid of honor)... and into losing weight (taking out my aggression at the gym, and not on my poor parents)! I feel like things are going to be changing a lot soon... and I truly am excited for it all.
For instance... I no longer have a job. I was working at a local Christian radio station, but they no longer have the funds to keep me hired on. I totally understand this... but i DO miss it. I made some wonderful friendships there. I am hoping to one day be able to go back and work there again. But not having a job is a little stressful and definitely not what i needed on top of all this other stuff...
Also, this last weekend i had a TINY little breakdown. Got into a fight with the parents... cried my eyes out... had nowhere to go... ya know... one of my typical episodes. It was harder still this time because as i sat outside looking at my cell phone, trying to figure out who i could call to come "rescue me" from that disaster... i realized i was pretty much alone. I ended up being fine after all and spent most of my night thinking about and re-evaluating what a "true friend" is. That was a little painful.
Speaking of that whole situation... regarding friendships and all... Last night i sat down and watched the movie "The Holiday" and definitely broke down in tears during one scene. I found the movie quotes online...
"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you... I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."
Um... OUCH! Right? So, as far as this whole situation goes... i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I will simply just continue to pray so hard for restoration and healing. If you want, you all can pray with me in that. (If you know me at all, you know what this is about!) It got a little bit more complicated today... but nothing worth blogging about! Hahaha
BUT... on a much HAPPIER note... i am hopefully starting to get more involved in ministry at my church. I should be back doing worship for the youth soon, and maybe even worship for the main sanctuary on a rotating worship team. I feel like the Lord is telling me to POUR myself into worship ministry right now. Now that i have had a little break from being in ministry, i have been exposed to some awesome times of worship. Some of my favorite times were simply with just one guitar, and people with hearts for worship. But REAL worship... unashamed... no abandon worship. So now i really want to encourage and lead the people (especially the youth) of my church in this type of worship. I get excited when i think about the future of my church. So right now i am putting my efforts and enthusiasms into church... into my friends wedding (I'm her maid of honor)... and into losing weight (taking out my aggression at the gym, and not on my poor parents)! I feel like things are going to be changing a lot soon... and I truly am excited for it all.
Monday, December 29, 2008
waiting room...
I haven't posted any blogs in a while. My mind has been filled with TONS of things to write about, i just haven't put any effort into actually sitting down and trying to sound clever. And now, all those things i could have written about don't seem so interesting or important. So, today is a short one... maybe soon i will have more to write about.
Right now i feel like I'm sitting in a waiting room. God's HUGE waiting room. I have felt like this for a while now, maybe a few months. Like the Lord has me in this period of preparation and waiting for whatever it is He has in store for me. So many things i feel like I'm waiting on... a steady job... friendships to flourish... a relationship... starting school again... a career... ministry opportunities... my future in general... SO MUCH! And I'm just sitting here... WAITING! I know, it is all going to work out... but man, could we speed up the process!? :)
Right now i feel like I'm sitting in a waiting room. God's HUGE waiting room. I have felt like this for a while now, maybe a few months. Like the Lord has me in this period of preparation and waiting for whatever it is He has in store for me. So many things i feel like I'm waiting on... a steady job... friendships to flourish... a relationship... starting school again... a career... ministry opportunities... my future in general... SO MUCH! And I'm just sitting here... WAITING! I know, it is all going to work out... but man, could we speed up the process!? :)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
a "Broken" Heart...
The heart is a tricky thing. Lately i have been thinking a lot about being broken hearted. WHY are we broken hearted? Do our hearts break for the RIGHT reasons? WHAT do you do with a broken heart? I feel totally surrounded by this subject...
Tonight, as i watched Extreme Home Makeover, i was struck by such an amazing thought. The lady that they were building a new home for had a BROKEN HEART. But literally, it didn't work right. It was all out of wack with its beats and it could potentially kill her at any moment. But, do you know what she did? She didn't DWELL on her broken heart. She spent her time thinking about EVERYONE ELSE! She spent her time thinking about what she could do for the kids at the local school, she spent her time thinking about what she could make for people in need, she spent her time focused on OTHERS! And she even said that a piece of her heart was with all those people. WOW!
I sat there and thought, "WHAT am i doing?! I spend SO much time upset about situations that i might be in. Heart broken over this or that. Frustrated over feeling lonely. It's ridiculous. When this woman, with a REAL broken heart, did nothing for herself. Definitly was a smack in the face. A good one.
Just something to think about...
Tonight, as i watched Extreme Home Makeover, i was struck by such an amazing thought. The lady that they were building a new home for had a BROKEN HEART. But literally, it didn't work right. It was all out of wack with its beats and it could potentially kill her at any moment. But, do you know what she did? She didn't DWELL on her broken heart. She spent her time thinking about EVERYONE ELSE! She spent her time thinking about what she could do for the kids at the local school, she spent her time thinking about what she could make for people in need, she spent her time focused on OTHERS! And she even said that a piece of her heart was with all those people. WOW!
I sat there and thought, "WHAT am i doing?! I spend SO much time upset about situations that i might be in. Heart broken over this or that. Frustrated over feeling lonely. It's ridiculous. When this woman, with a REAL broken heart, did nothing for herself. Definitly was a smack in the face. A good one.
Just something to think about...
Monday, December 8, 2008
GOOD Lord! :)
Psalm 13: 5-6
"But I trust in Your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
For He has been good to me."
I am so excited about what the Lord is doing in my heart lately! I mean, yeah, there are still days when my depression takes over and i just want to sleep. Or situations that arise where i think, "What the heck is going on!?" But, still, the Lord has BEEN GOOD TO ME! Faithfully! To me, of all people! I am the least deserving of his goodness... yet he POURS it out! Here's my story today of how GOOD HE IS!
Last week i figured i needed some "encouragment" in my days. So, i was at work, and i noticed on the stations web page they had an advertisment for a daily encouraging thought sent to your cell phone. So, i signed up. And totally forgot about it.
Last night i was a little sad. My heart was just hurting and i was bummed about a lot of stuff... just silly situations that have come up over the past few weeks... not so fun. Well, i just wanted to sleep it off. Today, i woke up to a text message... here is what it says,
"God can heal your broken heart, but you have to give Him all the peices."
Thank You Father! Your timing is amazing! Sometimes i just want to jump for joy over these things you are revealing to me! (if only i could JUMP!) I know i will always have hard days, but you are still there! WHERE can i go from Your spirit!? Where can i flee from Your presence!? YOU are always there, God! You have been SO good to me! ♥
"But I trust in Your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
For He has been good to me."
I am so excited about what the Lord is doing in my heart lately! I mean, yeah, there are still days when my depression takes over and i just want to sleep. Or situations that arise where i think, "What the heck is going on!?" But, still, the Lord has BEEN GOOD TO ME! Faithfully! To me, of all people! I am the least deserving of his goodness... yet he POURS it out! Here's my story today of how GOOD HE IS!
Last week i figured i needed some "encouragment" in my days. So, i was at work, and i noticed on the stations web page they had an advertisment for a daily encouraging thought sent to your cell phone. So, i signed up. And totally forgot about it.
Last night i was a little sad. My heart was just hurting and i was bummed about a lot of stuff... just silly situations that have come up over the past few weeks... not so fun. Well, i just wanted to sleep it off. Today, i woke up to a text message... here is what it says,
"God can heal your broken heart, but you have to give Him all the peices."
Thank You Father! Your timing is amazing! Sometimes i just want to jump for joy over these things you are revealing to me! (if only i could JUMP!) I know i will always have hard days, but you are still there! WHERE can i go from Your spirit!? Where can i flee from Your presence!? YOU are always there, God! You have been SO good to me! ♥
Saturday, December 6, 2008
"For Good"
I am SUPER passionate about friendships. But unfortunatly, that isn't always the best... and sometimes people get hurt. Well, this week (as i said earlier) the Lord has been revealing a ton of stuff to me. The other night, when my momma and i went to see "Wicked" i full on broke down into tears during this song. It just made me think about the whole situation that i am in right now. And over these past few days, i see that this song is SO meaningfull towards so many situations in my life... past and present. So, for those of you who are my friends, and maybe we havent been so close, or maybe there has been drama there, or just unspoken junk between us, or full on pain... this is for you.
"For Good"
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them, and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part,
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."
**lyrics in bold are for YOU.
"For Good"
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them, and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part,
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."
**lyrics in bold are for YOU.
just for me!
Wow... this week has been so hard, but so amazing at the same time. The Lord is working on me and it is awesome!
I found myself sad many times this week. Just not feeling like "enough." Well, the other night i really wanted to listen to an OLD cd that i hadn't heard in a long time. As the songs played, it was as if the Lord was singing right to me! Those songs were written to my heart! They were just what i needed at that very moment! It was amazing. Here are just some of the lyrics. Maybe you will be encouraged as well!
"...Make me Your child, let me hold Your hand and run with You.
Touch me with Your grace, love me beyond what I am.
Forgive me for all that I do.
Fill me with courage and righteousness.
Send me Your knowledge of truth, and make me holy like You."
"...For generations I have waited for you,
Made you in My image, beloved child.
For generations I have longed for the day when I'll take you in My arms and say:
Your name is on My lips,
Your life is in My hands,
Your tears are in My eyes, have peace and know."
This one hit me especially hard... brought tears to my eyes...
"I lay this wasted body at your feet.
And the shambles of my day come jeering after me.
I'm lost, torn, bewildered, and I'm never worthy of You,
But in my weakest hour when no one else is there, You are.
How perfect Your love is, how gentle Your voice is.
How loving your touch is when I'm weak!
Your eyes look through me, to see a creation that you have made me to be.
Loving Savior, please rescue me.
I know you see me just the way I really am,
And the selfishness in me, is not the way You planned.
You take all my ugliness and wash it all away,
Whatever I have done You look at me and say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be.
You have formed my heart and You love me.
Even with my dragging sins upon me.
You see a child that once You knew,
And with undeserved faithfulness You say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be."
Wow! Thank you Father for my own love songs... you knew just how BADLY i needed to hear them. How BADLY i needed Your reassurance. You are amazing, God. ♥
I found myself sad many times this week. Just not feeling like "enough." Well, the other night i really wanted to listen to an OLD cd that i hadn't heard in a long time. As the songs played, it was as if the Lord was singing right to me! Those songs were written to my heart! They were just what i needed at that very moment! It was amazing. Here are just some of the lyrics. Maybe you will be encouraged as well!
"...Make me Your child, let me hold Your hand and run with You.
Touch me with Your grace, love me beyond what I am.
Forgive me for all that I do.
Fill me with courage and righteousness.
Send me Your knowledge of truth, and make me holy like You."
"...For generations I have waited for you,
Made you in My image, beloved child.
For generations I have longed for the day when I'll take you in My arms and say:
Your name is on My lips,
Your life is in My hands,
Your tears are in My eyes, have peace and know."
This one hit me especially hard... brought tears to my eyes...
"I lay this wasted body at your feet.
And the shambles of my day come jeering after me.
I'm lost, torn, bewildered, and I'm never worthy of You,
But in my weakest hour when no one else is there, You are.
How perfect Your love is, how gentle Your voice is.
How loving your touch is when I'm weak!
Your eyes look through me, to see a creation that you have made me to be.
Loving Savior, please rescue me.
I know you see me just the way I really am,
And the selfishness in me, is not the way You planned.
You take all my ugliness and wash it all away,
Whatever I have done You look at me and say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be.
You have formed my heart and You love me.
Even with my dragging sins upon me.
You see a child that once You knew,
And with undeserved faithfulness You say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be."
Wow! Thank you Father for my own love songs... you knew just how BADLY i needed to hear them. How BADLY i needed Your reassurance. You are amazing, God. ♥
Thursday, December 4, 2008
my prayer for today.
OH Father...
This one is all yours. There is NOTHING i can do right now. My friend wants his space... and time to figure himself out. And, in respecting that, i can't do ANYTHING. I have to just forget about phone calls and text messages and comments and messages... i can do nothing. I know You are taking hold of his heart, and i am SO thankfull for that! So, while i am not a part of his life right now, please work on him SO much! Hold that stinking heart of his and bring back that guy that i first met. Also, take away my feelings of rejection. the feelings of loneliness. Give me so much strength as i continue in this... it is SO hard... God, you know how my heart and my mind works... I DON'T even understand it... but YOU DO.
So, God, right now, please just work in this friendship. I don't know WHAT you have planned... remind me that YOUR will is what i must strive after. I love you so much, Father... hold my heart. ♥
This one is all yours. There is NOTHING i can do right now. My friend wants his space... and time to figure himself out. And, in respecting that, i can't do ANYTHING. I have to just forget about phone calls and text messages and comments and messages... i can do nothing. I know You are taking hold of his heart, and i am SO thankfull for that! So, while i am not a part of his life right now, please work on him SO much! Hold that stinking heart of his and bring back that guy that i first met. Also, take away my feelings of rejection. the feelings of loneliness. Give me so much strength as i continue in this... it is SO hard... God, you know how my heart and my mind works... I DON'T even understand it... but YOU DO.
So, God, right now, please just work in this friendship. I don't know WHAT you have planned... remind me that YOUR will is what i must strive after. I love you so much, Father... hold my heart. ♥
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Hmmm... A few things today
I have a few things on my mind tonight. As i close out my day doing my usual Internet routine... checking out my friend's blogs... myspace... gmail... church website... and finishing up on Facebook. Here are those things on my mind. In no particular order...
THOUGHT #1:
Today was December 2nd! A few months ago i was working at the radio station with a bunch of really great people. One of the ladies there was this awesome woman of the Lord... very strong in her faith and in prayer... she has a heart for the single ministry... she was just way cool. Well, throughout the course of the few days with her she told me that while she was making a list of prayer requests for the people working there, she put my name down and she wrote down the wrong date. She claimed to feel very strongly about the specific date that she wrote. She made sure i knew that it was probably no big deal, but to keep that date in mind. That date was December 2nd. Ever since then i would joke with my friends about that date... Even this morning, Gretch and i were joking about what could possibly happen today. It was so silly and fun. Well... looking back, today WAS a very important day. It was a BIG day in my friendship with an old friend. We were VERY close friends for a while, and this last year we just kind of grew apart. Well, yesterday she texted me to see if we could catch up today. We went out to dinner and had a GREAT time catching up and laughing and simply enjoying each other. And I'd like to think that THAT is why today was such an important date! :)
THOUGHT #2:
Ok, just so you know... this all SUCKS! I don't want to be the girl who WAITS around for you to figure out your CRAP. But i feel like i need to be there for you. Why would the Lord bring us together in the first place... for a few fun weeks and some heartache? Nope... that's not how He rolls. So... while you are off figuring out what it is you want... where it is you are going... whatever. I will be here waiting. Trying to find things to fill my time so i don't miss our fun times as much. That's all.
THOUGHT #3:
That DARN TREE! It might have taken me a few YEARS to get over you. And i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that I AM OVER it all. I have apologized... forgiven... and moved on. But, every time i am driving home and i turn that first corner onto the boulevard i see that TREE!
Every year, a family in town puts up this HUGE, BRIGHT, Christmas tree that you can see from MILES away. Well, a few years ago i went looking for that tree with a boy. Later that night we had our first kiss. That TREE brings up all these memories and i can't HELP but get a painful twinge of heartache every time i see it. I love Christmastime... but i HATE THAT TREE!!!!! Grrr!
Those are my thoughts for the evening... off to bed! Good night!
THOUGHT #1:
Today was December 2nd! A few months ago i was working at the radio station with a bunch of really great people. One of the ladies there was this awesome woman of the Lord... very strong in her faith and in prayer... she has a heart for the single ministry... she was just way cool. Well, throughout the course of the few days with her she told me that while she was making a list of prayer requests for the people working there, she put my name down and she wrote down the wrong date. She claimed to feel very strongly about the specific date that she wrote. She made sure i knew that it was probably no big deal, but to keep that date in mind. That date was December 2nd. Ever since then i would joke with my friends about that date... Even this morning, Gretch and i were joking about what could possibly happen today. It was so silly and fun. Well... looking back, today WAS a very important day. It was a BIG day in my friendship with an old friend. We were VERY close friends for a while, and this last year we just kind of grew apart. Well, yesterday she texted me to see if we could catch up today. We went out to dinner and had a GREAT time catching up and laughing and simply enjoying each other. And I'd like to think that THAT is why today was such an important date! :)
THOUGHT #2:
Ok, just so you know... this all SUCKS! I don't want to be the girl who WAITS around for you to figure out your CRAP. But i feel like i need to be there for you. Why would the Lord bring us together in the first place... for a few fun weeks and some heartache? Nope... that's not how He rolls. So... while you are off figuring out what it is you want... where it is you are going... whatever. I will be here waiting. Trying to find things to fill my time so i don't miss our fun times as much. That's all.
THOUGHT #3:
That DARN TREE! It might have taken me a few YEARS to get over you. And i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that I AM OVER it all. I have apologized... forgiven... and moved on. But, every time i am driving home and i turn that first corner onto the boulevard i see that TREE!
Every year, a family in town puts up this HUGE, BRIGHT, Christmas tree that you can see from MILES away. Well, a few years ago i went looking for that tree with a boy. Later that night we had our first kiss. That TREE brings up all these memories and i can't HELP but get a painful twinge of heartache every time i see it. I love Christmastime... but i HATE THAT TREE!!!!! Grrr!
Those are my thoughts for the evening... off to bed! Good night!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Peace
1 Peter 3: 8-11
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."
These past two weekends i have been working at Forest Home, and our theme was about being a "Peace maker." We discussed what it is to be a peace maker, and how in reality a lot of us are either "Peace Fakers" (saying that everything is fine and not resolving anthing) or "Peace Breakers" (making drama out of the situation and creating more problems). It is so great that even as we teach these things to the kids, and to the CCAs, we can learn from it as well. I found myself searching my own heart and my own life. I want to pursue peace. I want to live in harmony and be compassionate. I want to live out these verses from 1 Peter.
Here is another verse that we talked about.
Romans 12:18
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Think about that... it depends on ME! It depends on ME to get along and live at peace with EVERYONE. Wow.
Lately there have been different situations that have come up in my relationships with others and it is VERY hard to be a "Peace Maker" in them. I find myself wanting to get defensive... to send that mean text message back... to point the finger and place blame... be a TOTAL "Peace Breaker." And then i "Fake" it and say, "Don't worry about it... no big deal... i'll be fine!" When in my mind i am simply HURT and want to throw a fit.
All this to say, i want to PURSUE that PEACE in my relationships. Hopefully, starting now, i will be able to look back on these weekends... remember these verses... and be encouraged. It's OK to have the tough conversations. It's OK to have to be the bigger person. And it's OK to HURT... cuz it's all in the Lords plan, and He has a much bigger purpose than i could ever imagine.
Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."
These past two weekends i have been working at Forest Home, and our theme was about being a "Peace maker." We discussed what it is to be a peace maker, and how in reality a lot of us are either "Peace Fakers" (saying that everything is fine and not resolving anthing) or "Peace Breakers" (making drama out of the situation and creating more problems). It is so great that even as we teach these things to the kids, and to the CCAs, we can learn from it as well. I found myself searching my own heart and my own life. I want to pursue peace. I want to live in harmony and be compassionate. I want to live out these verses from 1 Peter.
Here is another verse that we talked about.
Romans 12:18
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Think about that... it depends on ME! It depends on ME to get along and live at peace with EVERYONE. Wow.
Lately there have been different situations that have come up in my relationships with others and it is VERY hard to be a "Peace Maker" in them. I find myself wanting to get defensive... to send that mean text message back... to point the finger and place blame... be a TOTAL "Peace Breaker." And then i "Fake" it and say, "Don't worry about it... no big deal... i'll be fine!" When in my mind i am simply HURT and want to throw a fit.
All this to say, i want to PURSUE that PEACE in my relationships. Hopefully, starting now, i will be able to look back on these weekends... remember these verses... and be encouraged. It's OK to have the tough conversations. It's OK to have to be the bigger person. And it's OK to HURT... cuz it's all in the Lords plan, and He has a much bigger purpose than i could ever imagine.
Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
just some things...
I did a lot of looking back tonight. I was pretty bored and was looking for inspiration to write a new song. Well... after pulling together what i think is a pretty awesome song... i continued reminiscing. I found old journal entries, old pictures, etc. It is amazing to see where the Lord has brought me. I look at my friends around me who are hurting and who see no way out. My friends that think these things will never end, and that there is nothing to look forward to. I TOTALLY USED TO BE THERE! And now look at me! Things are great! I am HAPPY! I just wish i could enforce that in their brains... MAKE them see these things!
Anyway, one thing i found tonight caught my eye. I have a journal that i just fill with quotes and verses and song lyrics... things that ring true in my life at that time. And here is something i wrote down from a book:
"We hide behind our make-up. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded, and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us, and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."
I remember what i was going through at the time when i wrote this down. How true it is! It was true then, and it is still true today! I need to stop hiding. Get ready America.... what you see is what you get!
Well, i really should go to bed now... i have an early morning hair appointment and then lots to do before the weekend. More later...
Anyway, one thing i found tonight caught my eye. I have a journal that i just fill with quotes and verses and song lyrics... things that ring true in my life at that time. And here is something i wrote down from a book:
"We hide behind our make-up. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded, and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us, and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."
I remember what i was going through at the time when i wrote this down. How true it is! It was true then, and it is still true today! I need to stop hiding. Get ready America.... what you see is what you get!
Well, i really should go to bed now... i have an early morning hair appointment and then lots to do before the weekend. More later...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
early morning thoughts....
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my Strength and my impenetrable Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him."
I'm so thankful for the Lord's JOY... It's not about being in a good mood, or a bad mood, or tired, or cranky... none of that matters. Deep down i have a joy that is simply overflowing. I love it.
I wasn't planning on having a good day today, or a good week, or month for that matter. I kinda felt, last night, like everything was blowing up in my face and that i would wake up today in a bad mood... cuz everything would have been different. Nope! Not in the Lord's plan for me! Yay!
I put myself out there last night for one of my friends. Shared my heart with them. And i was fully ready to be turned away from... and fully ready to take on the HURT that was to come. But yet again, NOPE! God was like, "Good job being honest with yourself and your friend... i won't let you get hurt!" and i didn't.
Things are great. I woke up today with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for me. I'm excited to still have this great friend. I'm excited to go see old friends at Forest Home this weekend. I'm excited to meet the girls that will be in my cabin, and I'm excited to love on them and to be totally blessed by them too! I am just simply ready for what the LORD has up his big ol' sleeves!
♥ Thanks God for holding my heart... for allowing me to be extremely open and vulnerable. It is tough, and totally scary... but you've got it all under control. Thank you for delighting in me... for LOVING me... for thinking I AM priceless... beautiful... WOW God... you are too GOOD! And i can't wait for more of YOU! ♥
I'm so thankful for the Lord's JOY... It's not about being in a good mood, or a bad mood, or tired, or cranky... none of that matters. Deep down i have a joy that is simply overflowing. I love it.
I wasn't planning on having a good day today, or a good week, or month for that matter. I kinda felt, last night, like everything was blowing up in my face and that i would wake up today in a bad mood... cuz everything would have been different. Nope! Not in the Lord's plan for me! Yay!
I put myself out there last night for one of my friends. Shared my heart with them. And i was fully ready to be turned away from... and fully ready to take on the HURT that was to come. But yet again, NOPE! God was like, "Good job being honest with yourself and your friend... i won't let you get hurt!" and i didn't.
Things are great. I woke up today with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for me. I'm excited to still have this great friend. I'm excited to go see old friends at Forest Home this weekend. I'm excited to meet the girls that will be in my cabin, and I'm excited to love on them and to be totally blessed by them too! I am just simply ready for what the LORD has up his big ol' sleeves!
♥ Thanks God for holding my heart... for allowing me to be extremely open and vulnerable. It is tough, and totally scary... but you've got it all under control. Thank you for delighting in me... for LOVING me... for thinking I AM priceless... beautiful... WOW God... you are too GOOD! And i can't wait for more of YOU! ♥
Monday, November 17, 2008
Back to the Blogger...
I know i haven't written in a while... i want to start blogging more regularly. My last post was a little emo. I was in a bad place. I wasn't happy... and it's because i wasn't pursuing the Lord like i want to... like HE wants me to. Things have changed. Things are better.
Isn't the Lord so funny. His timing... His plans... the way he makes things work out just perfectly, but we can't see it until AFTER it's over and we look back and say, "Hey God... you are so good!"
Lately i feel like the Lord is revealing himself to me more and more. He is pursuing me and romancing me because i finally quit being a LAME-O and i tore down that wall of anger and bitterness. He is taking care of me and providing for me daily, and i am so thankfull!
I still don't have a job, but i have been working temporarily at a local Christian radio station. And the hours have been consistant enough that i can continue to lower my debt to my mom, and have gas in my car, and buy Starbucks! And i have made GREAT relationships there as well... new people who live their lives for the Lord. I am excited seeing all these different Christians and how they live and how they pray and how they worship... and to know that we all love the SAME GOD... It's just really neat.
I made one new friend in particular... and i believe the Lord gave us our relationship for a HUGE purpose. I can't even begin to tell you the things i am learning... about the Lord... about myself... just AMAZING things! I am challenged to pray more, and pray differently. I am challenged to throw myself FULLY into worship, without abandon. I am challenged to pray for my future and be excited for the things the Lord has in store. I am enjoying this new relationship more and more every single day. Praise God!
I am also really working on guarding my heart. You all probably can tell by all my posts that i am an extremely emotional person... and i give my heart to things REALLY quickly. And i have to DAILY pray, "God, hold my heart today... don't let me feel ANYTHING that isn't from you!" It is so tough... but at the same time (like i said before) SO excting!
I'm just loving the Lord and loving life right now. That is all... until next time!
Isn't the Lord so funny. His timing... His plans... the way he makes things work out just perfectly, but we can't see it until AFTER it's over and we look back and say, "Hey God... you are so good!"
Lately i feel like the Lord is revealing himself to me more and more. He is pursuing me and romancing me because i finally quit being a LAME-O and i tore down that wall of anger and bitterness. He is taking care of me and providing for me daily, and i am so thankfull!
I still don't have a job, but i have been working temporarily at a local Christian radio station. And the hours have been consistant enough that i can continue to lower my debt to my mom, and have gas in my car, and buy Starbucks! And i have made GREAT relationships there as well... new people who live their lives for the Lord. I am excited seeing all these different Christians and how they live and how they pray and how they worship... and to know that we all love the SAME GOD... It's just really neat.
I made one new friend in particular... and i believe the Lord gave us our relationship for a HUGE purpose. I can't even begin to tell you the things i am learning... about the Lord... about myself... just AMAZING things! I am challenged to pray more, and pray differently. I am challenged to throw myself FULLY into worship, without abandon. I am challenged to pray for my future and be excited for the things the Lord has in store. I am enjoying this new relationship more and more every single day. Praise God!
I am also really working on guarding my heart. You all probably can tell by all my posts that i am an extremely emotional person... and i give my heart to things REALLY quickly. And i have to DAILY pray, "God, hold my heart today... don't let me feel ANYTHING that isn't from you!" It is so tough... but at the same time (like i said before) SO excting!
I'm just loving the Lord and loving life right now. That is all... until next time!
Monday, September 22, 2008
update part 2
Freaking Ricky Martin... those lyrics are stuck in my head... "Livin la vida loca!" It is exactly what i'm doing right now... my life is CRAZY! INSANE! One day things are great... the next, not so much. And from my last update you can see some of that. Here is just a little bit more that i either forgot to mention, or has happened in the last few days.
I moved back home with my parents. Things were rough out in Highland. Lots of different situations that all piled on top of eachother. I simply couldnt be there anymore. I feel like im loosing friends left and right. I don't have a steady income so i can no longer pay rent too. So, last saturday i moved back to my parents house here in Yucaipa. It was a horribly stressfull day. I packed ALL of my things on my own... quite a lonely and sad experience. Then my dad helped me get the bigger things (bed, bookcases, etc.) home. None of which was done without a big fight. My dad yelling at us. Me being upset at my brother. No help from friends. I got home that night and was exhausted. Physically tired, and emotionally beat-up. I still havent unpacked all of my things... so my head feels cluttered.
Also, i haven't recieved my final paycheck from the family that i nannied for. They still owe me over 400 dollars. Here is where it gets complicated... My brother's wife, Dana, is the mom's personal assistant. So i have been asking Dana to see when i will get my check. To remind the mom that i still havent been paid, and so on. It had been over a month so i have been asking a lot. I would call the mom myself but she made it VERY CLEAR when i left the job that she never wanted to hear from me again. Well, a few weeks ago Dana gave me a check for $44.26... WHAT? Where did they come up with that number!? So i gave it back with a break down of ALL my hours, what i have recieved, and what is still owed to me. And STILL have seen no check or anything from this family. Well, Dana is obviously tired of me asking, so my brother Greg calls me on Sat (in the middle of this insane move) and tears me apart. He left a voice message on my phone that hurt me badly. Telling me that i need to learn about the world, and its my fault for not getting things in writing, and he just kept going. My mom and dad heard the whole thing... but they can't very well do anything about it. So now both Greg and Dana are mad at me, the family hates me, and i am down 400 bucks. NOT TO MENTION that my last months rent is due next week, and i dont even have enough money to put gas in my car. I feel totally stuck.
Then there is the siuation with Texas. What a great opportunity, that got SHOT DOWN in a matter of minutes. My mom is very against the idea, and there is no use fighting with her. She's pretty smart. Then, we had said that if we could find a furnished apt for cheap we would do it... well that fell through too. So all of my "open doors" are being slammed shut. Im not sure what the Lord is teaching me here, but i'm trying to understand.
So, im stuck at my parent's house. No money, no close-by friends, no job, no gas in my car. I spend most of my time online searching for a job, and the rest of it watching TV. I hate what my day to day has become. But, i don't want you to read this and become concerned for me or anything. Simply keep me in your prayers. I am in such a good place at my parents house, even if i am bored out of my mind. And i have an amazing church family that support me and love on me every week. Thats enough to get me through
I moved back home with my parents. Things were rough out in Highland. Lots of different situations that all piled on top of eachother. I simply couldnt be there anymore. I feel like im loosing friends left and right. I don't have a steady income so i can no longer pay rent too. So, last saturday i moved back to my parents house here in Yucaipa. It was a horribly stressfull day. I packed ALL of my things on my own... quite a lonely and sad experience. Then my dad helped me get the bigger things (bed, bookcases, etc.) home. None of which was done without a big fight. My dad yelling at us. Me being upset at my brother. No help from friends. I got home that night and was exhausted. Physically tired, and emotionally beat-up. I still havent unpacked all of my things... so my head feels cluttered.
Also, i haven't recieved my final paycheck from the family that i nannied for. They still owe me over 400 dollars. Here is where it gets complicated... My brother's wife, Dana, is the mom's personal assistant. So i have been asking Dana to see when i will get my check. To remind the mom that i still havent been paid, and so on. It had been over a month so i have been asking a lot. I would call the mom myself but she made it VERY CLEAR when i left the job that she never wanted to hear from me again. Well, a few weeks ago Dana gave me a check for $44.26... WHAT? Where did they come up with that number!? So i gave it back with a break down of ALL my hours, what i have recieved, and what is still owed to me. And STILL have seen no check or anything from this family. Well, Dana is obviously tired of me asking, so my brother Greg calls me on Sat (in the middle of this insane move) and tears me apart. He left a voice message on my phone that hurt me badly. Telling me that i need to learn about the world, and its my fault for not getting things in writing, and he just kept going. My mom and dad heard the whole thing... but they can't very well do anything about it. So now both Greg and Dana are mad at me, the family hates me, and i am down 400 bucks. NOT TO MENTION that my last months rent is due next week, and i dont even have enough money to put gas in my car. I feel totally stuck.
Then there is the siuation with Texas. What a great opportunity, that got SHOT DOWN in a matter of minutes. My mom is very against the idea, and there is no use fighting with her. She's pretty smart. Then, we had said that if we could find a furnished apt for cheap we would do it... well that fell through too. So all of my "open doors" are being slammed shut. Im not sure what the Lord is teaching me here, but i'm trying to understand.
So, im stuck at my parent's house. No money, no close-by friends, no job, no gas in my car. I spend most of my time online searching for a job, and the rest of it watching TV. I hate what my day to day has become. But, i don't want you to read this and become concerned for me or anything. Simply keep me in your prayers. I am in such a good place at my parents house, even if i am bored out of my mind. And i have an amazing church family that support me and love on me every week. Thats enough to get me through
update part 1
Ok... so life is CRAZY right now.
This summer i left my job at Starbucks, after six long frappucinno making years, to work for a family in Redlands as their nanny. While the kids were extremely cute, and the house workers amazing, the family itself stood for nothing i believe in. I felt uncomfortable since day one, and it simply escalated from there. So, a month in i gave my two weeks notice and got out of there... i still havent been paid my last check... but it doesnt really surprise me.
After leaving the nanny job, i finished out the summer at Forest Home. The first week i was a CCA councelor and i absolutely loved it. I had a great cabin and i instantly fell in love with the entire staff. The next week i was an assistant to two leaders up there, which i really enjoyed. If i could do that year round i would! The staff this summer was amazing! They accepted me into their little family right away, and made me feel like i was awesome. Which i am... i just needed a reminder! hahahaha
Once these two weeks of bliss were up it was back to reality. NO JOB. I have spent the last few weeks searching online, filling out applications, submitting resumes, you name it... i've done it! The only thing im not willing to do yet is settle. I left my last job because i hated it... im not going to go out and get some crappy job just cuz they are hiring and be miserable every day... i want something i will look forward to. Something that uses my passions and excites me. But unfortunatly, there IS NO JOB like that. I always tell people, "I'm a jack of all trades, master of none." I could cut your hair, give you a mani-pedi, whip you up a frappucinno or your exact drink order of a venti-half-calf-quad-shot-six-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-one-sweet-and-low-extra-hot-no-foam-latte, watch your children, lead worship, answer phones, ALL at once... while still looking good. BUT i can't get hired anywhere. You tell me where that makes sense!
SO... onto the Texas thing. I think it is great that i post a status update on facebook that says im moving and everyone instantly wants to know more. I should have thought that one through! hahaha! Yes, i would like to move away, and yes the opportunity has come up. There are still just a lot of things to pin down. Like... actually securing the apartment, figuring out moving details, furnished? unfurnished? And that ever present "i am dirt broke" situation. But for some reason this just feels right. And what better time than now.... I no longer live out on my own so there are no roommates or 12 month leases to hold me back. I dont have a job here, and NO ONE seems to want to hire me... maybe those Texans will have the perfect job. There are only a few things that really tear me up... my family and my church. I don't want to leave that! My mom is my best friend... and Texas is far. So that would just suck. And my church is amazing. I have finally found a place where i can call home. Where i am loved. Where i get to excercise my passions. Where i am comfortable. And leaving there would simply SUCK! Plus, where else do you have kids telling you to audition for American Idol!? hahaha i love them.
So right now everything is up in the air. I want to move and i want to stay. I am stuck in between... and not sure what the next step is. But it will all work out. I have no doubts on that.
This summer i left my job at Starbucks, after six long frappucinno making years, to work for a family in Redlands as their nanny. While the kids were extremely cute, and the house workers amazing, the family itself stood for nothing i believe in. I felt uncomfortable since day one, and it simply escalated from there. So, a month in i gave my two weeks notice and got out of there... i still havent been paid my last check... but it doesnt really surprise me.
After leaving the nanny job, i finished out the summer at Forest Home. The first week i was a CCA councelor and i absolutely loved it. I had a great cabin and i instantly fell in love with the entire staff. The next week i was an assistant to two leaders up there, which i really enjoyed. If i could do that year round i would! The staff this summer was amazing! They accepted me into their little family right away, and made me feel like i was awesome. Which i am... i just needed a reminder! hahahaha
Once these two weeks of bliss were up it was back to reality. NO JOB. I have spent the last few weeks searching online, filling out applications, submitting resumes, you name it... i've done it! The only thing im not willing to do yet is settle. I left my last job because i hated it... im not going to go out and get some crappy job just cuz they are hiring and be miserable every day... i want something i will look forward to. Something that uses my passions and excites me. But unfortunatly, there IS NO JOB like that. I always tell people, "I'm a jack of all trades, master of none." I could cut your hair, give you a mani-pedi, whip you up a frappucinno or your exact drink order of a venti-half-calf-quad-shot-six-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-one-sweet-and-low-extra-hot-no-foam-latte, watch your children, lead worship, answer phones, ALL at once... while still looking good. BUT i can't get hired anywhere. You tell me where that makes sense!
SO... onto the Texas thing. I think it is great that i post a status update on facebook that says im moving and everyone instantly wants to know more. I should have thought that one through! hahaha! Yes, i would like to move away, and yes the opportunity has come up. There are still just a lot of things to pin down. Like... actually securing the apartment, figuring out moving details, furnished? unfurnished? And that ever present "i am dirt broke" situation. But for some reason this just feels right. And what better time than now.... I no longer live out on my own so there are no roommates or 12 month leases to hold me back. I dont have a job here, and NO ONE seems to want to hire me... maybe those Texans will have the perfect job. There are only a few things that really tear me up... my family and my church. I don't want to leave that! My mom is my best friend... and Texas is far. So that would just suck. And my church is amazing. I have finally found a place where i can call home. Where i am loved. Where i get to excercise my passions. Where i am comfortable. And leaving there would simply SUCK! Plus, where else do you have kids telling you to audition for American Idol!? hahaha i love them.
So right now everything is up in the air. I want to move and i want to stay. I am stuck in between... and not sure what the next step is. But it will all work out. I have no doubts on that.
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