Peace

1 Peter 3: 8-11
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."

These past two weekends i have been working at Forest Home, and our theme was about being a "Peace maker." We discussed what it is to be a peace maker, and how in reality a lot of us are either "Peace Fakers" (saying that everything is fine and not resolving anthing) or "Peace Breakers" (making drama out of the situation and creating more problems). It is so great that even as we teach these things to the kids, and to the CCAs, we can learn from it as well. I found myself searching my own heart and my own life. I want to pursue peace. I want to live in harmony and be compassionate. I want to live out these verses from 1 Peter.

Here is another verse that we talked about.
Romans 12:18
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Think about that... it depends on ME! It depends on ME to get along and live at peace with EVERYONE. Wow.

Lately there have been different situations that have come up in my relationships with others and it is VERY hard to be a "Peace Maker" in them. I find myself wanting to get defensive... to send that mean text message back... to point the finger and place blame... be a TOTAL "Peace Breaker." And then i "Fake" it and say, "Don't worry about it... no big deal... i'll be fine!" When in my mind i am simply HURT and want to throw a fit.

All this to say, i want to PURSUE that PEACE in my relationships. Hopefully, starting now, i will be able to look back on these weekends... remember these verses... and be encouraged. It's OK to have the tough conversations. It's OK to have to be the bigger person. And it's OK to HURT... cuz it's all in the Lords plan, and He has a much bigger purpose than i could ever imagine.

Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

just some things...

I did a lot of looking back tonight. I was pretty bored and was looking for inspiration to write a new song. Well... after pulling together what i think is a pretty awesome song... i continued reminiscing. I found old journal entries, old pictures, etc. It is amazing to see where the Lord has brought me. I look at my friends around me who are hurting and who see no way out. My friends that think these things will never end, and that there is nothing to look forward to. I TOTALLY USED TO BE THERE! And now look at me! Things are great! I am HAPPY! I just wish i could enforce that in their brains... MAKE them see these things!

Anyway, one thing i found tonight caught my eye. I have a journal that i just fill with quotes and verses and song lyrics... things that ring true in my life at that time. And here is something i wrote down from a book:

"We hide behind our make-up. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded, and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us, and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."

I remember what i was going through at the time when i wrote this down. How true it is! It was true then, and it is still true today! I need to stop hiding. Get ready America.... what you see is what you get!

Well, i really should go to bed now... i have an early morning hair appointment and then lots to do before the weekend. More later...

early morning thoughts....

Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my Strength and my impenetrable Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him."



I'm so thankful for the Lord's JOY... It's not about being in a good mood, or a bad mood, or tired, or cranky... none of that matters. Deep down i have a joy that is simply overflowing. I love it.

I wasn't planning on having a good day today, or a good week, or month for that matter. I kinda felt, last night, like everything was blowing up in my face and that i would wake up today in a bad mood... cuz everything would have been different. Nope! Not in the Lord's plan for me! Yay!

I put myself out there last night for one of my friends. Shared my heart with them. And i was fully ready to be turned away from... and fully ready to take on the HURT that was to come. But yet again, NOPE! God was like, "Good job being honest with yourself and your friend... i won't let you get hurt!" and i didn't.

Things are great. I woke up today with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for me. I'm excited to still have this great friend. I'm excited to go see old friends at Forest Home this weekend. I'm excited to meet the girls that will be in my cabin, and I'm excited to love on them and to be totally blessed by them too! I am just simply ready for what the LORD has up his big ol' sleeves!

♥ Thanks God for holding my heart... for allowing me to be extremely open and vulnerable. It is tough, and totally scary... but you've got it all under control. Thank you for delighting in me... for LOVING me... for thinking I AM priceless... beautiful... WOW God... you are too GOOD! And i can't wait for more of YOU! ♥

Back to the Blogger...

I know i haven't written in a while... i want to start blogging more regularly. My last post was a little emo. I was in a bad place. I wasn't happy... and it's because i wasn't pursuing the Lord like i want to... like HE wants me to. Things have changed. Things are better.

Isn't the Lord so funny. His timing... His plans... the way he makes things work out just perfectly, but we can't see it until AFTER it's over and we look back and say, "Hey God... you are so good!"

Lately i feel like the Lord is revealing himself to me more and more. He is pursuing me and romancing me because i finally quit being a LAME-O and i tore down that wall of anger and bitterness. He is taking care of me and providing for me daily, and i am so thankfull!

I still don't have a job, but i have been working temporarily at a local Christian radio station. And the hours have been consistant enough that i can continue to lower my debt to my mom, and have gas in my car, and buy Starbucks! And i have made GREAT relationships there as well... new people who live their lives for the Lord. I am excited seeing all these different Christians and how they live and how they pray and how they worship... and to know that we all love the SAME GOD... It's just really neat.

I made one new friend in particular... and i believe the Lord gave us our relationship for a HUGE purpose. I can't even begin to tell you the things i am learning... about the Lord... about myself... just AMAZING things! I am challenged to pray more, and pray differently. I am challenged to throw myself FULLY into worship, without abandon. I am challenged to pray for my future and be excited for the things the Lord has in store. I am enjoying this new relationship more and more every single day. Praise God!

I am also really working on guarding my heart. You all probably can tell by all my posts that i am an extremely emotional person... and i give my heart to things REALLY quickly. And i have to DAILY pray, "God, hold my heart today... don't let me feel ANYTHING that isn't from you!" It is so tough... but at the same time (like i said before) SO excting!

I'm just loving the Lord and loving life right now. That is all... until next time!

update part 2

Freaking Ricky Martin... those lyrics are stuck in my head... "Livin la vida loca!" It is exactly what i'm doing right now... my life is CRAZY! INSANE! One day things are great... the next, not so much. And from my last update you can see some of that. Here is just a little bit more that i either forgot to mention, or has happened in the last few days.

I moved back home with my parents. Things were rough out in Highland. Lots of different situations that all piled on top of eachother. I simply couldnt be there anymore. I feel like im loosing friends left and right. I don't have a steady income so i can no longer pay rent too. So, last saturday i moved back to my parents house here in Yucaipa. It was a horribly stressfull day. I packed ALL of my things on my own... quite a lonely and sad experience. Then my dad helped me get the bigger things (bed, bookcases, etc.) home. None of which was done without a big fight. My dad yelling at us. Me being upset at my brother. No help from friends. I got home that night and was exhausted. Physically tired, and emotionally beat-up. I still havent unpacked all of my things... so my head feels cluttered.

Also, i haven't recieved my final paycheck from the family that i nannied for. They still owe me over 400 dollars. Here is where it gets complicated... My brother's wife, Dana, is the mom's personal assistant. So i have been asking Dana to see when i will get my check. To remind the mom that i still havent been paid, and so on. It had been over a month so i have been asking a lot. I would call the mom myself but she made it VERY CLEAR when i left the job that she never wanted to hear from me again. Well, a few weeks ago Dana gave me a check for $44.26... WHAT? Where did they come up with that number!? So i gave it back with a break down of ALL my hours, what i have recieved, and what is still owed to me. And STILL have seen no check or anything from this family. Well, Dana is obviously tired of me asking, so my brother Greg calls me on Sat (in the middle of this insane move) and tears me apart. He left a voice message on my phone that hurt me badly. Telling me that i need to learn about the world, and its my fault for not getting things in writing, and he just kept going. My mom and dad heard the whole thing... but they can't very well do anything about it. So now both Greg and Dana are mad at me, the family hates me, and i am down 400 bucks. NOT TO MENTION that my last months rent is due next week, and i dont even have enough money to put gas in my car. I feel totally stuck.

Then there is the siuation with Texas. What a great opportunity, that got SHOT DOWN in a matter of minutes. My mom is very against the idea, and there is no use fighting with her. She's pretty smart. Then, we had said that if we could find a furnished apt for cheap we would do it... well that fell through too. So all of my "open doors" are being slammed shut. Im not sure what the Lord is teaching me here, but i'm trying to understand.

So, im stuck at my parent's house. No money, no close-by friends, no job, no gas in my car. I spend most of my time online searching for a job, and the rest of it watching TV. I hate what my day to day has become. But, i don't want you to read this and become concerned for me or anything. Simply keep me in your prayers. I am in such a good place at my parents house, even if i am bored out of my mind. And i have an amazing church family that support me and love on me every week. Thats enough to get me through

update part 1

Ok... so life is CRAZY right now.

This summer i left my job at Starbucks, after six long frappucinno making years, to work for a family in Redlands as their nanny. While the kids were extremely cute, and the house workers amazing, the family itself stood for nothing i believe in. I felt uncomfortable since day one, and it simply escalated from there. So, a month in i gave my two weeks notice and got out of there... i still havent been paid my last check... but it doesnt really surprise me.

After leaving the nanny job, i finished out the summer at Forest Home. The first week i was a CCA councelor and i absolutely loved it. I had a great cabin and i instantly fell in love with the entire staff. The next week i was an assistant to two leaders up there, which i really enjoyed. If i could do that year round i would! The staff this summer was amazing! They accepted me into their little family right away, and made me feel like i was awesome. Which i am... i just needed a reminder! hahahaha

Once these two weeks of bliss were up it was back to reality. NO JOB. I have spent the last few weeks searching online, filling out applications, submitting resumes, you name it... i've done it! The only thing im not willing to do yet is settle. I left my last job because i hated it... im not going to go out and get some crappy job just cuz they are hiring and be miserable every day... i want something i will look forward to. Something that uses my passions and excites me. But unfortunatly, there IS NO JOB like that. I always tell people, "I'm a jack of all trades, master of none." I could cut your hair, give you a mani-pedi, whip you up a frappucinno or your exact drink order of a venti-half-calf-quad-shot-six-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-one-sweet-and-low-extra-hot-no-foam-latte, watch your children, lead worship, answer phones, ALL at once... while still looking good. BUT i can't get hired anywhere. You tell me where that makes sense!

SO... onto the Texas thing. I think it is great that i post a status update on facebook that says im moving and everyone instantly wants to know more. I should have thought that one through! hahaha! Yes, i would like to move away, and yes the opportunity has come up. There are still just a lot of things to pin down. Like... actually securing the apartment, figuring out moving details, furnished? unfurnished? And that ever present "i am dirt broke" situation. But for some reason this just feels right. And what better time than now.... I no longer live out on my own so there are no roommates or 12 month leases to hold me back. I dont have a job here, and NO ONE seems to want to hire me... maybe those Texans will have the perfect job. There are only a few things that really tear me up... my family and my church. I don't want to leave that! My mom is my best friend... and Texas is far. So that would just suck. And my church is amazing. I have finally found a place where i can call home. Where i am loved. Where i get to excercise my passions. Where i am comfortable. And leaving there would simply SUCK! Plus, where else do you have kids telling you to audition for American Idol!? hahaha i love them.

So right now everything is up in the air. I want to move and i want to stay. I am stuck in between... and not sure what the next step is. But it will all work out. I have no doubts on that.

jobs...

I finally got a new job. Most of you knew that i was praying and searching for a new job. Starbucks just got really old, really fast. I had been there too long, and i was getting burnt out. Well, the Lord definitly answers prayers in the craziest ways (one summer we taught that God is "crazy and mysterious" and it is so true!).

Today was my last official day at Starbucks... and allthough i am BEYOND EXCITED about never having to make a single frapucinno again, it was definitly bittersweet! Two of my dear friends brought me flowers, and one of my favorite people to work with, Chip, was pretty sad. When i got to my car i was a little choked up, cuz it is OVER, over. Its just weird.

I am now a nanny. I watch a 2 year old little girl named Kensington, and a 6 year old boy named Elijah. The parents both own a lot of different businesses and they are pretty well off. Enough for the Mom to need a personal assistant. This is where God starts to work... My sister-in-law, Dana, got hired as the personal assistant after meeting the mom at dana's old job. After a few weeks, the mom brought up that they might look for a new nanny. Dana had mentioned the possibility to me, and within a few days i was hired! I hadn't even MET the mom yet and they were ready for me to start! It's incredible. The kids are cute beyond all reason. The family is SUPER loving! The workers are all sweet! And they live in my dream home! No, im being serious! When i was in Cosmo school i would drive home the same way every day just so i could drive past this BEAUTIFUL home and simply drool over it... NOW i WORK there! Its crazy!

But praise God i have this new job... it will be challenging, and it will definitly grow me a lot... but im excited for it. Also, if my dream job at FoHo opens up... i'm still planning on going for it... Speaking of FoHo... i LOVE the staff this summer. LOVE THEM!

Thats all for now, i am exhausted and need to take a nap!