Wow... this week has been so hard, but so amazing at the same time. The Lord is working on me and it is awesome!
I found myself sad many times this week. Just not feeling like "enough." Well, the other night i really wanted to listen to an OLD cd that i hadn't heard in a long time. As the songs played, it was as if the Lord was singing right to me! Those songs were written to my heart! They were just what i needed at that very moment! It was amazing. Here are just some of the lyrics. Maybe you will be encouraged as well!
"...Make me Your child, let me hold Your hand and run with You.
Touch me with Your grace, love me beyond what I am.
Forgive me for all that I do.
Fill me with courage and righteousness.
Send me Your knowledge of truth, and make me holy like You."
"...For generations I have waited for you,
Made you in My image, beloved child.
For generations I have longed for the day when I'll take you in My arms and say:
Your name is on My lips,
Your life is in My hands,
Your tears are in My eyes, have peace and know."
This one hit me especially hard... brought tears to my eyes...
"I lay this wasted body at your feet.
And the shambles of my day come jeering after me.
I'm lost, torn, bewildered, and I'm never worthy of You,
But in my weakest hour when no one else is there, You are.
How perfect Your love is, how gentle Your voice is.
How loving your touch is when I'm weak!
Your eyes look through me, to see a creation that you have made me to be.
Loving Savior, please rescue me.
I know you see me just the way I really am,
And the selfishness in me, is not the way You planned.
You take all my ugliness and wash it all away,
Whatever I have done You look at me and say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be.
You have formed my heart and You love me.
Even with my dragging sins upon me.
You see a child that once You knew,
And with undeserved faithfulness You say:
How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be."
Wow! Thank you Father for my own love songs... you knew just how BADLY i needed to hear them. How BADLY i needed Your reassurance. You are amazing, God. ♥
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
my prayer for today.
OH Father...
This one is all yours. There is NOTHING i can do right now. My friend wants his space... and time to figure himself out. And, in respecting that, i can't do ANYTHING. I have to just forget about phone calls and text messages and comments and messages... i can do nothing. I know You are taking hold of his heart, and i am SO thankfull for that! So, while i am not a part of his life right now, please work on him SO much! Hold that stinking heart of his and bring back that guy that i first met. Also, take away my feelings of rejection. the feelings of loneliness. Give me so much strength as i continue in this... it is SO hard... God, you know how my heart and my mind works... I DON'T even understand it... but YOU DO.
So, God, right now, please just work in this friendship. I don't know WHAT you have planned... remind me that YOUR will is what i must strive after. I love you so much, Father... hold my heart. ♥
This one is all yours. There is NOTHING i can do right now. My friend wants his space... and time to figure himself out. And, in respecting that, i can't do ANYTHING. I have to just forget about phone calls and text messages and comments and messages... i can do nothing. I know You are taking hold of his heart, and i am SO thankfull for that! So, while i am not a part of his life right now, please work on him SO much! Hold that stinking heart of his and bring back that guy that i first met. Also, take away my feelings of rejection. the feelings of loneliness. Give me so much strength as i continue in this... it is SO hard... God, you know how my heart and my mind works... I DON'T even understand it... but YOU DO.
So, God, right now, please just work in this friendship. I don't know WHAT you have planned... remind me that YOUR will is what i must strive after. I love you so much, Father... hold my heart. ♥
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Hmmm... A few things today
I have a few things on my mind tonight. As i close out my day doing my usual Internet routine... checking out my friend's blogs... myspace... gmail... church website... and finishing up on Facebook. Here are those things on my mind. In no particular order...
THOUGHT #1:
Today was December 2nd! A few months ago i was working at the radio station with a bunch of really great people. One of the ladies there was this awesome woman of the Lord... very strong in her faith and in prayer... she has a heart for the single ministry... she was just way cool. Well, throughout the course of the few days with her she told me that while she was making a list of prayer requests for the people working there, she put my name down and she wrote down the wrong date. She claimed to feel very strongly about the specific date that she wrote. She made sure i knew that it was probably no big deal, but to keep that date in mind. That date was December 2nd. Ever since then i would joke with my friends about that date... Even this morning, Gretch and i were joking about what could possibly happen today. It was so silly and fun. Well... looking back, today WAS a very important day. It was a BIG day in my friendship with an old friend. We were VERY close friends for a while, and this last year we just kind of grew apart. Well, yesterday she texted me to see if we could catch up today. We went out to dinner and had a GREAT time catching up and laughing and simply enjoying each other. And I'd like to think that THAT is why today was such an important date! :)
THOUGHT #2:
Ok, just so you know... this all SUCKS! I don't want to be the girl who WAITS around for you to figure out your CRAP. But i feel like i need to be there for you. Why would the Lord bring us together in the first place... for a few fun weeks and some heartache? Nope... that's not how He rolls. So... while you are off figuring out what it is you want... where it is you are going... whatever. I will be here waiting. Trying to find things to fill my time so i don't miss our fun times as much. That's all.
THOUGHT #3:
That DARN TREE! It might have taken me a few YEARS to get over you. And i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that I AM OVER it all. I have apologized... forgiven... and moved on. But, every time i am driving home and i turn that first corner onto the boulevard i see that TREE!
Every year, a family in town puts up this HUGE, BRIGHT, Christmas tree that you can see from MILES away. Well, a few years ago i went looking for that tree with a boy. Later that night we had our first kiss. That TREE brings up all these memories and i can't HELP but get a painful twinge of heartache every time i see it. I love Christmastime... but i HATE THAT TREE!!!!! Grrr!
Those are my thoughts for the evening... off to bed! Good night!
THOUGHT #1:
Today was December 2nd! A few months ago i was working at the radio station with a bunch of really great people. One of the ladies there was this awesome woman of the Lord... very strong in her faith and in prayer... she has a heart for the single ministry... she was just way cool. Well, throughout the course of the few days with her she told me that while she was making a list of prayer requests for the people working there, she put my name down and she wrote down the wrong date. She claimed to feel very strongly about the specific date that she wrote. She made sure i knew that it was probably no big deal, but to keep that date in mind. That date was December 2nd. Ever since then i would joke with my friends about that date... Even this morning, Gretch and i were joking about what could possibly happen today. It was so silly and fun. Well... looking back, today WAS a very important day. It was a BIG day in my friendship with an old friend. We were VERY close friends for a while, and this last year we just kind of grew apart. Well, yesterday she texted me to see if we could catch up today. We went out to dinner and had a GREAT time catching up and laughing and simply enjoying each other. And I'd like to think that THAT is why today was such an important date! :)
THOUGHT #2:
Ok, just so you know... this all SUCKS! I don't want to be the girl who WAITS around for you to figure out your CRAP. But i feel like i need to be there for you. Why would the Lord bring us together in the first place... for a few fun weeks and some heartache? Nope... that's not how He rolls. So... while you are off figuring out what it is you want... where it is you are going... whatever. I will be here waiting. Trying to find things to fill my time so i don't miss our fun times as much. That's all.
THOUGHT #3:
That DARN TREE! It might have taken me a few YEARS to get over you. And i can say, without a doubt in my mind, that I AM OVER it all. I have apologized... forgiven... and moved on. But, every time i am driving home and i turn that first corner onto the boulevard i see that TREE!
Every year, a family in town puts up this HUGE, BRIGHT, Christmas tree that you can see from MILES away. Well, a few years ago i went looking for that tree with a boy. Later that night we had our first kiss. That TREE brings up all these memories and i can't HELP but get a painful twinge of heartache every time i see it. I love Christmastime... but i HATE THAT TREE!!!!! Grrr!
Those are my thoughts for the evening... off to bed! Good night!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Peace
1 Peter 3: 8-11
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."
These past two weekends i have been working at Forest Home, and our theme was about being a "Peace maker." We discussed what it is to be a peace maker, and how in reality a lot of us are either "Peace Fakers" (saying that everything is fine and not resolving anthing) or "Peace Breakers" (making drama out of the situation and creating more problems). It is so great that even as we teach these things to the kids, and to the CCAs, we can learn from it as well. I found myself searching my own heart and my own life. I want to pursue peace. I want to live in harmony and be compassionate. I want to live out these verses from 1 Peter.
Here is another verse that we talked about.
Romans 12:18
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Think about that... it depends on ME! It depends on ME to get along and live at peace with EVERYONE. Wow.
Lately there have been different situations that have come up in my relationships with others and it is VERY hard to be a "Peace Maker" in them. I find myself wanting to get defensive... to send that mean text message back... to point the finger and place blame... be a TOTAL "Peace Breaker." And then i "Fake" it and say, "Don't worry about it... no big deal... i'll be fine!" When in my mind i am simply HURT and want to throw a fit.
All this to say, i want to PURSUE that PEACE in my relationships. Hopefully, starting now, i will be able to look back on these weekends... remember these verses... and be encouraged. It's OK to have the tough conversations. It's OK to have to be the bigger person. And it's OK to HURT... cuz it's all in the Lords plan, and He has a much bigger purpose than i could ever imagine.
Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it."
These past two weekends i have been working at Forest Home, and our theme was about being a "Peace maker." We discussed what it is to be a peace maker, and how in reality a lot of us are either "Peace Fakers" (saying that everything is fine and not resolving anthing) or "Peace Breakers" (making drama out of the situation and creating more problems). It is so great that even as we teach these things to the kids, and to the CCAs, we can learn from it as well. I found myself searching my own heart and my own life. I want to pursue peace. I want to live in harmony and be compassionate. I want to live out these verses from 1 Peter.
Here is another verse that we talked about.
Romans 12:18
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Think about that... it depends on ME! It depends on ME to get along and live at peace with EVERYONE. Wow.
Lately there have been different situations that have come up in my relationships with others and it is VERY hard to be a "Peace Maker" in them. I find myself wanting to get defensive... to send that mean text message back... to point the finger and place blame... be a TOTAL "Peace Breaker." And then i "Fake" it and say, "Don't worry about it... no big deal... i'll be fine!" When in my mind i am simply HURT and want to throw a fit.
All this to say, i want to PURSUE that PEACE in my relationships. Hopefully, starting now, i will be able to look back on these weekends... remember these verses... and be encouraged. It's OK to have the tough conversations. It's OK to have to be the bigger person. And it's OK to HURT... cuz it's all in the Lords plan, and He has a much bigger purpose than i could ever imagine.
Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
just some things...
I did a lot of looking back tonight. I was pretty bored and was looking for inspiration to write a new song. Well... after pulling together what i think is a pretty awesome song... i continued reminiscing. I found old journal entries, old pictures, etc. It is amazing to see where the Lord has brought me. I look at my friends around me who are hurting and who see no way out. My friends that think these things will never end, and that there is nothing to look forward to. I TOTALLY USED TO BE THERE! And now look at me! Things are great! I am HAPPY! I just wish i could enforce that in their brains... MAKE them see these things!
Anyway, one thing i found tonight caught my eye. I have a journal that i just fill with quotes and verses and song lyrics... things that ring true in my life at that time. And here is something i wrote down from a book:
"We hide behind our make-up. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded, and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us, and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."
I remember what i was going through at the time when i wrote this down. How true it is! It was true then, and it is still true today! I need to stop hiding. Get ready America.... what you see is what you get!
Well, i really should go to bed now... i have an early morning hair appointment and then lots to do before the weekend. More later...
Anyway, one thing i found tonight caught my eye. I have a journal that i just fill with quotes and verses and song lyrics... things that ring true in my life at that time. And here is something i wrote down from a book:
"We hide behind our make-up. We hide behind our humor. We hide with angry silences and punishing withdrawls. We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe... We hide because we are afraid. We have been wounded, and wounded deeply. People have sinned against us, and we have sinned as well. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. At least that is what we think. And so by hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts."
I remember what i was going through at the time when i wrote this down. How true it is! It was true then, and it is still true today! I need to stop hiding. Get ready America.... what you see is what you get!
Well, i really should go to bed now... i have an early morning hair appointment and then lots to do before the weekend. More later...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
early morning thoughts....
Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my Strength and my impenetrable Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on, and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him."
I'm so thankful for the Lord's JOY... It's not about being in a good mood, or a bad mood, or tired, or cranky... none of that matters. Deep down i have a joy that is simply overflowing. I love it.
I wasn't planning on having a good day today, or a good week, or month for that matter. I kinda felt, last night, like everything was blowing up in my face and that i would wake up today in a bad mood... cuz everything would have been different. Nope! Not in the Lord's plan for me! Yay!
I put myself out there last night for one of my friends. Shared my heart with them. And i was fully ready to be turned away from... and fully ready to take on the HURT that was to come. But yet again, NOPE! God was like, "Good job being honest with yourself and your friend... i won't let you get hurt!" and i didn't.
Things are great. I woke up today with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for me. I'm excited to still have this great friend. I'm excited to go see old friends at Forest Home this weekend. I'm excited to meet the girls that will be in my cabin, and I'm excited to love on them and to be totally blessed by them too! I am just simply ready for what the LORD has up his big ol' sleeves!
♥ Thanks God for holding my heart... for allowing me to be extremely open and vulnerable. It is tough, and totally scary... but you've got it all under control. Thank you for delighting in me... for LOVING me... for thinking I AM priceless... beautiful... WOW God... you are too GOOD! And i can't wait for more of YOU! ♥
I'm so thankful for the Lord's JOY... It's not about being in a good mood, or a bad mood, or tired, or cranky... none of that matters. Deep down i have a joy that is simply overflowing. I love it.
I wasn't planning on having a good day today, or a good week, or month for that matter. I kinda felt, last night, like everything was blowing up in my face and that i would wake up today in a bad mood... cuz everything would have been different. Nope! Not in the Lord's plan for me! Yay!
I put myself out there last night for one of my friends. Shared my heart with them. And i was fully ready to be turned away from... and fully ready to take on the HURT that was to come. But yet again, NOPE! God was like, "Good job being honest with yourself and your friend... i won't let you get hurt!" and i didn't.
Things are great. I woke up today with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. I'm excited for what the Lord has in store for me. I'm excited to still have this great friend. I'm excited to go see old friends at Forest Home this weekend. I'm excited to meet the girls that will be in my cabin, and I'm excited to love on them and to be totally blessed by them too! I am just simply ready for what the LORD has up his big ol' sleeves!
♥ Thanks God for holding my heart... for allowing me to be extremely open and vulnerable. It is tough, and totally scary... but you've got it all under control. Thank you for delighting in me... for LOVING me... for thinking I AM priceless... beautiful... WOW God... you are too GOOD! And i can't wait for more of YOU! ♥
Monday, November 17, 2008
Back to the Blogger...
I know i haven't written in a while... i want to start blogging more regularly. My last post was a little emo. I was in a bad place. I wasn't happy... and it's because i wasn't pursuing the Lord like i want to... like HE wants me to. Things have changed. Things are better.
Isn't the Lord so funny. His timing... His plans... the way he makes things work out just perfectly, but we can't see it until AFTER it's over and we look back and say, "Hey God... you are so good!"
Lately i feel like the Lord is revealing himself to me more and more. He is pursuing me and romancing me because i finally quit being a LAME-O and i tore down that wall of anger and bitterness. He is taking care of me and providing for me daily, and i am so thankfull!
I still don't have a job, but i have been working temporarily at a local Christian radio station. And the hours have been consistant enough that i can continue to lower my debt to my mom, and have gas in my car, and buy Starbucks! And i have made GREAT relationships there as well... new people who live their lives for the Lord. I am excited seeing all these different Christians and how they live and how they pray and how they worship... and to know that we all love the SAME GOD... It's just really neat.
I made one new friend in particular... and i believe the Lord gave us our relationship for a HUGE purpose. I can't even begin to tell you the things i am learning... about the Lord... about myself... just AMAZING things! I am challenged to pray more, and pray differently. I am challenged to throw myself FULLY into worship, without abandon. I am challenged to pray for my future and be excited for the things the Lord has in store. I am enjoying this new relationship more and more every single day. Praise God!
I am also really working on guarding my heart. You all probably can tell by all my posts that i am an extremely emotional person... and i give my heart to things REALLY quickly. And i have to DAILY pray, "God, hold my heart today... don't let me feel ANYTHING that isn't from you!" It is so tough... but at the same time (like i said before) SO excting!
I'm just loving the Lord and loving life right now. That is all... until next time!
Isn't the Lord so funny. His timing... His plans... the way he makes things work out just perfectly, but we can't see it until AFTER it's over and we look back and say, "Hey God... you are so good!"
Lately i feel like the Lord is revealing himself to me more and more. He is pursuing me and romancing me because i finally quit being a LAME-O and i tore down that wall of anger and bitterness. He is taking care of me and providing for me daily, and i am so thankfull!
I still don't have a job, but i have been working temporarily at a local Christian radio station. And the hours have been consistant enough that i can continue to lower my debt to my mom, and have gas in my car, and buy Starbucks! And i have made GREAT relationships there as well... new people who live their lives for the Lord. I am excited seeing all these different Christians and how they live and how they pray and how they worship... and to know that we all love the SAME GOD... It's just really neat.
I made one new friend in particular... and i believe the Lord gave us our relationship for a HUGE purpose. I can't even begin to tell you the things i am learning... about the Lord... about myself... just AMAZING things! I am challenged to pray more, and pray differently. I am challenged to throw myself FULLY into worship, without abandon. I am challenged to pray for my future and be excited for the things the Lord has in store. I am enjoying this new relationship more and more every single day. Praise God!
I am also really working on guarding my heart. You all probably can tell by all my posts that i am an extremely emotional person... and i give my heart to things REALLY quickly. And i have to DAILY pray, "God, hold my heart today... don't let me feel ANYTHING that isn't from you!" It is so tough... but at the same time (like i said before) SO excting!
I'm just loving the Lord and loving life right now. That is all... until next time!
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