i feel a little crazy....

It's been a rough week for me... LOTS going on around me...LOTS going on inside my head.

For instance... I no longer have a job. I was working at a local Christian radio station, but they no longer have the funds to keep me hired on. I totally understand this... but i DO miss it. I made some wonderful friendships there. I am hoping to one day be able to go back and work there again. But not having a job is a little stressful and definitely not what i needed on top of all this other stuff...

Also, this last weekend i had a TINY little breakdown. Got into a fight with the parents... cried my eyes out... had nowhere to go... ya know... one of my typical episodes. It was harder still this time because as i sat outside looking at my cell phone, trying to figure out who i could call to come "rescue me" from that disaster... i realized i was pretty much alone. I ended up being fine after all and spent most of my night thinking about and re-evaluating what a "true friend" is. That was a little painful.

Speaking of that whole situation... regarding friendships and all... Last night i sat down and watched the movie "The Holiday" and definitely broke down in tears during one scene. I found the movie quotes online...

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you... I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door."

Um... OUCH! Right? So, as far as this whole situation goes... i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I will simply just continue to pray so hard for restoration and healing. If you want, you all can pray with me in that. (If you know me at all, you know what this is about!) It got a little bit more complicated today... but nothing worth blogging about! Hahaha

BUT... on a much HAPPIER note... i am hopefully starting to get more involved in ministry at my church. I should be back doing worship for the youth soon, and maybe even worship for the main sanctuary on a rotating worship team. I feel like the Lord is telling me to POUR myself into worship ministry right now. Now that i have had a little break from being in ministry, i have been exposed to some awesome times of worship. Some of my favorite times were simply with just one guitar, and people with hearts for worship. But REAL worship... unashamed... no abandon worship. So now i really want to encourage and lead the people (especially the youth) of my church in this type of worship. I get excited when i think about the future of my church. So right now i am putting my efforts and enthusiasms into church... into my friends wedding (I'm her maid of honor)... and into losing weight (taking out my aggression at the gym, and not on my poor parents)! I feel like things are going to be changing a lot soon... and I truly am excited for it all.

waiting room...

I haven't posted any blogs in a while. My mind has been filled with TONS of things to write about, i just haven't put any effort into actually sitting down and trying to sound clever. And now, all those things i could have written about don't seem so interesting or important. So, today is a short one... maybe soon i will have more to write about.

Right now i feel like I'm sitting in a waiting room. God's HUGE waiting room. I have felt like this for a while now, maybe a few months. Like the Lord has me in this period of preparation and waiting for whatever it is He has in store for me. So many things i feel like I'm waiting on... a steady job... friendships to flourish... a relationship... starting school again... a career... ministry opportunities... my future in general... SO MUCH! And I'm just sitting here... WAITING! I know, it is all going to work out... but man, could we speed up the process!? :)

a "Broken" Heart...

The heart is a tricky thing. Lately i have been thinking a lot about being broken hearted. WHY are we broken hearted? Do our hearts break for the RIGHT reasons? WHAT do you do with a broken heart? I feel totally surrounded by this subject...

Tonight, as i watched Extreme Home Makeover, i was struck by such an amazing thought. The lady that they were building a new home for had a BROKEN HEART. But literally, it didn't work right. It was all out of wack with its beats and it could potentially kill her at any moment. But, do you know what she did? She didn't DWELL on her broken heart. She spent her time thinking about EVERYONE ELSE! She spent her time thinking about what she could do for the kids at the local school, she spent her time thinking about what she could make for people in need, she spent her time focused on OTHERS! And she even said that a piece of her heart was with all those people. WOW!

I sat there and thought, "WHAT am i doing?! I spend SO much time upset about situations that i might be in. Heart broken over this or that. Frustrated over feeling lonely. It's ridiculous. When this woman, with a REAL broken heart, did nothing for herself. Definitly was a smack in the face. A good one.

Just something to think about...

GOOD Lord! :)

Psalm 13: 5-6
"But I trust in Your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
For He has been good to me."

I am so excited about what the Lord is doing in my heart lately! I mean, yeah, there are still days when my depression takes over and i just want to sleep. Or situations that arise where i think, "What the heck is going on!?" But, still, the Lord has BEEN GOOD TO ME! Faithfully! To me, of all people! I am the least deserving of his goodness... yet he POURS it out! Here's my story today of how GOOD HE IS!

Last week i figured i needed some "encouragment" in my days. So, i was at work, and i noticed on the stations web page they had an advertisment for a daily encouraging thought sent to your cell phone. So, i signed up. And totally forgot about it.
Last night i was a little sad. My heart was just hurting and i was bummed about a lot of stuff... just silly situations that have come up over the past few weeks... not so fun. Well, i just wanted to sleep it off. Today, i woke up to a text message... here is what it says,

"God can heal your broken heart, but you have to give Him all the peices."

Thank You Father! Your timing is amazing! Sometimes i just want to jump for joy over these things you are revealing to me! (if only i could JUMP!) I know i will always have hard days, but you are still there! WHERE can i go from Your spirit!? Where can i flee from Your presence!? YOU are always there, God! You have been SO good to me! ♥

"For Good"

I am SUPER passionate about friendships. But unfortunatly, that isn't always the best... and sometimes people get hurt. Well, this week (as i said earlier) the Lord has been revealing a ton of stuff to me. The other night, when my momma and i went to see "Wicked" i full on broke down into tears during this song. It just made me think about the whole situation that i am in right now. And over these past few days, i see that this song is SO meaningfull towards so many situations in my life... past and present. So, for those of you who are my friends, and maybe we havent been so close, or maybe there has been drama there, or just unspoken junk between us, or full on pain... this is for you.

"For Good"

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them, and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you,
I have been changed for good

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part,
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you...
I have been changed for good..."


**lyrics in bold are for YOU.

just for me!

Wow... this week has been so hard, but so amazing at the same time. The Lord is working on me and it is awesome!
I found myself sad many times this week. Just not feeling like "enough." Well, the other night i really wanted to listen to an OLD cd that i hadn't heard in a long time. As the songs played, it was as if the Lord was singing right to me! Those songs were written to my heart! They were just what i needed at that very moment! It was amazing. Here are just some of the lyrics. Maybe you will be encouraged as well!

"...Make me Your child, let me hold Your hand and run with You.
Touch me with Your grace, love me beyond what I am.
Forgive me for all that I do.
Fill me with courage and righteousness.
Send me Your knowledge of truth, and make me holy like You."

"...For generations I have waited for you,
Made you in My image, beloved child.
For generations I have longed for the day when I'll take you in My arms and say:
Your name is on My lips,
Your life is in My hands,
Your tears are in My eyes, have peace and know."

This one hit me especially hard... brought tears to my eyes...

"I lay this wasted body at your feet.
And the shambles of my day come jeering after me.
I'm lost, torn, bewildered, and I'm never worthy of You,
But in my weakest hour when no one else is there, You are.

How perfect Your love is, how gentle Your voice is.
How loving your touch is when I'm weak!
Your eyes look through me, to see a creation that you have made me to be.
Loving Savior, please rescue me.

I know you see me just the way I really am,
And the selfishness in me, is not the way You planned.
You take all my ugliness and wash it all away,
Whatever I have done You look at me and say:

How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be.

You have formed my heart and You love me.
Even with my dragging sins upon me.
You see a child that once You knew,
And with undeserved faithfulness You say:

How perfect your face is when you look at Me,
How I love your touch when you are weak.
You're scared and you're tired, but your dearest to Me.
And in your biggest heartache, when no one else is there, I will be."


Wow! Thank you Father for my own love songs... you knew just how BADLY i needed to hear them. How BADLY i needed Your reassurance. You are amazing, God. ♥

my prayer for today.

OH Father...
This one is all yours. There is NOTHING i can do right now. My friend wants his space... and time to figure himself out. And, in respecting that, i can't do ANYTHING. I have to just forget about phone calls and text messages and comments and messages... i can do nothing. I know You are taking hold of his heart, and i am SO thankfull for that! So, while i am not a part of his life right now, please work on him SO much! Hold that stinking heart of his and bring back that guy that i first met. Also, take away my feelings of rejection. the feelings of loneliness. Give me so much strength as i continue in this... it is SO hard... God, you know how my heart and my mind works... I DON'T even understand it... but YOU DO.
So, God, right now, please just work in this friendship. I don't know WHAT you have planned... remind me that YOUR will is what i must strive after. I love you so much, Father... hold my heart. ♥