last november

Here's another poem i wrote this summer... i was thinking a lot about the whole concept of "I'm not who i was..." and this just came to me. It's super personal, and extremely cathartic...

Last November

"I hate so much of who i was.

No longer the girl who was there that night.

I was drunk.

Not drunk on wine, or hard liquor.

Drunk on affection.

No, affection is the wrong word.

Affection brings forth feelings of endearment.

There were no feelings involved on his part.

He was blank.

And i was drunk.

Drunk on attention.

It started with just a "sip."

Unbuttoning my blouse, then i simply jumped in.

Drowning in his ocean of lies.

The sheets could have been my life vest, saving me from what was to come.

But they were carelessly tossed aside.

We lay there...

Naked.

Vulnerable.

Blank.

Drunk.

I hate so much of that night...

Ciggarettes and peppermint gum.

Scruffy beards and robotic kisses.

Blue Chevy trucks and grey buttons.

I hate him.

I hate me.

I hate so much of who i was."

If you know me at all, you know what this is about. Praise our Father that i have become such a different person. Thats what is so amazing about God... he can take the most awfull situation, and bring forth so much GOOD! Allthough i may have been hurt, and i know what i did that night was wrong... i am thankfull for the lessons learned in it, and who i have become... a woman searching after the heart of her Father in heaven... not about to give herself over to anyone...

Praise God!

Thank you Jesus!

my home...

I feel kind of lost right now. Like, im not so sure WHERE it is that i belong.

This week im working up at Forest Home as a nursery "mom" with the toddlers. I dont have any shifts at Starbucks this week, and i needed the extra money. So i was pretty excited to put on that gold nametag and go back "home." The morning was allright. The kids cried and pooped... that was pretty much it.

But then i went up to eat lunch in the Staff dining room. I felt like i was an unwanted guest in my OWN home. It was just awkward. Of course, there were people like Music Mama and Adam that sat and chatted with me... making me feel like nothing had changed. But from the rest of my old friends... it felt like the cold shoulder. I wanted to get out of there, and quick!

My heart just hurts right now. A lot. Forest Home IS my second home. My passion is being there and loving those families. But today i felt like the wind got knocked out of me... my heart was ripped out. I didnt belong... and that is not me.

I'm praying that next week these feelings will have gone. I am staying up there and covering for whoever goes home early on the FYCP staff. Im hoping to work with older kids... i love that. I feel like its my nich. I fit in there... the kids think im cool... i think they are cool... its a good thing. So we shall see. But if i still feel lost... unwanted... whatever... i am just going to have to pray extra hard. I dont want anything spoiling the ONE week i have been looking forward to since LAST YEAR.

Country Music

I'm alright... really... but don't worry, when i become a famous country singer i will definitly be writing a song or two about the relationship woes of dating that boy. The good and the bad i'm sure.
I am really serious about singing and writing songs... and i dont know if people believe me. It's a little weird too... cuz things will just come to me at random times and i will HAVE to write it down before i forget it... or if a melody comes to mind i will HAVE to record it onto my phone or else its gone... But i mean, this has never come to me like this. I use to TRY to write songs and NOTHING would come of it... And so far i've written two pretty good songs. Hey! That's half an EP. Im almost there.
Here's my blog confession for the day: I definitly went online to check out and sign up for Nashville Star. It's like the Country Music version of American Idol. And i REALLY want to go on it... if not to win, at least to have fun and sing a little. I dont even know if i would make it past whatever the first auditions are... but its sure fun to pretend like i'll make it. Who knows... maybe I will be the ones opening for Tim and Faith on their next tour.
Anyways... I just had to get it out there... im a total nerd and i want to be a country super star. There.

Ouch...

I dont know how i am supposed to feel about all this. I am not the type of girl to have guys falling at my feet. I'm not pretty. I'm not "girlfriend" material. SO when i finally found someone to make me feel worthy... to make me feel beautiful... it was a serious thing. When our relationship ended, i was sad, but it definitly wasn't the end of the world. Well... now, the only person who ever made me feel beautiful, the person who took so much of me, the person that i willingly gave so much of myself over to... he's engaged.

It kinda made me a little sick to my stomache... like all the wind got knocked out of me at once. I was mostly shocked, it feels like just yesterday... oh whatever i dont want to get all sentimental. I am just shocked... and now feeling a little down on myself. When will it be my turn? When will someone come around who likes me for me... and not just a fun fling that ends in heartache like the last one... something deeper... when do i get that? I feel like everyone else got the fastpass tickets for this ride... and im stuck waiting in line.

"Dear Andrew"

I wrote a song last night. Well... i guess i finished it last night really. I have been thinking about it for a while now... writing down little lines here and there... in my planner... on napkins... thinking of things in the middle of the night and literally recording my own voice on my cell phone of all things. Well, last night i sat down with my guitar, Rilo (yes she has a name), and finished the song. I'm pretty proud of it. It is inspired obviously by my friend Andy. We used to be very close untill a year or so ago when he started to make some poor decisions and just kinda dissapeard. I know it breaks his families hearts... and it breaks mine as well. This song is just a way for me to express that. The sadness that is there... the hope that he will come around... and the love that we all have for him, regardless of what he has done. But most important, that the LORD loves him regardless. So... here it is.

I always loved you

So does He.

I always loved you

So come home please.

We need your laughter

We need your smile.

I always loved you

Its been a while.

Chorus:

Dear Andrew. Dear Andrew.

Don't you know that i miss you?

Don't you know that your momma cries?

Don't you know he delights in you?

Dear Andrew. Dear Andrew.

Remember the time

We drove into the dawn?

Remember the time

We made robots on your front lawn?

Or when we were dancing

To music no one could hear?

Remember the time

We pretended not to fear?

(Chorus)

Bridge: (2xs)

Wasted away

All those years.

Nothing to say

Hold back tears.

Whatever you've done

I'll always feel the same.

Whatever you've done

My feelings will not change.

So why not come home

Our arms are open wide.

Whatever you've done

Dry the tears from your eyes.

(Chorus)

I always loved you

So come home please.

a little taste...

I have a song/poetry journal. And i thot maybe i should post some of them... i don't know why. It's all so very personal. Just a bunch of words brought to existence because of things that have occured in my life. My life isn't horrible... it's actually quite good. But sometimes i just need to write. Write about anything and everything. So here's a glimpse into my heart and mind.

12/27/2006

"Begging for affection.

Dying for a cure.
Praying for a sign.
Living for a lie.

Living in a lie.

Living lies.

Lies fed to me daily.

Lies i so willingly believe.

You aren't worth anything...

me

You aren't beautiful...

me

No one wants to be with you.

No one wants you.

No one.

me."

1/08/2007

"When does the pain stop?

It creeps up on me,

Suddenly stealing the air from my lungs.

Wringing out my heart until there's nothing left.

But there's always something left."

2/19/2007

"This is not me.

I play games.

I sing songs.

I cuddle with my friends.

I go on walks through the little town we have created in the forest.

I give band-aids to kids.

I pray over the day ahead.

I take naps with the windows open.

I listen to the sounds of summer-

the birds outside.

the merry-go-round.

kids splashing.

yelling.

laughing.

cannon ball after cannon ball.

This is not me.

Here is not my home."