Freaking Ricky Martin... those lyrics are stuck in my head... "Livin la vida loca!" It is exactly what i'm doing right now... my life is CRAZY! INSANE! One day things are great... the next, not so much. And from my last update you can see some of that. Here is just a little bit more that i either forgot to mention, or has happened in the last few days.
I moved back home with my parents. Things were rough out in Highland. Lots of different situations that all piled on top of eachother. I simply couldnt be there anymore. I feel like im loosing friends left and right. I don't have a steady income so i can no longer pay rent too. So, last saturday i moved back to my parents house here in Yucaipa. It was a horribly stressfull day. I packed ALL of my things on my own... quite a lonely and sad experience. Then my dad helped me get the bigger things (bed, bookcases, etc.) home. None of which was done without a big fight. My dad yelling at us. Me being upset at my brother. No help from friends. I got home that night and was exhausted. Physically tired, and emotionally beat-up. I still havent unpacked all of my things... so my head feels cluttered.
Also, i haven't recieved my final paycheck from the family that i nannied for. They still owe me over 400 dollars. Here is where it gets complicated... My brother's wife, Dana, is the mom's personal assistant. So i have been asking Dana to see when i will get my check. To remind the mom that i still havent been paid, and so on. It had been over a month so i have been asking a lot. I would call the mom myself but she made it VERY CLEAR when i left the job that she never wanted to hear from me again. Well, a few weeks ago Dana gave me a check for $44.26... WHAT? Where did they come up with that number!? So i gave it back with a break down of ALL my hours, what i have recieved, and what is still owed to me. And STILL have seen no check or anything from this family. Well, Dana is obviously tired of me asking, so my brother Greg calls me on Sat (in the middle of this insane move) and tears me apart. He left a voice message on my phone that hurt me badly. Telling me that i need to learn about the world, and its my fault for not getting things in writing, and he just kept going. My mom and dad heard the whole thing... but they can't very well do anything about it. So now both Greg and Dana are mad at me, the family hates me, and i am down 400 bucks. NOT TO MENTION that my last months rent is due next week, and i dont even have enough money to put gas in my car. I feel totally stuck.
Then there is the siuation with Texas. What a great opportunity, that got SHOT DOWN in a matter of minutes. My mom is very against the idea, and there is no use fighting with her. She's pretty smart. Then, we had said that if we could find a furnished apt for cheap we would do it... well that fell through too. So all of my "open doors" are being slammed shut. Im not sure what the Lord is teaching me here, but i'm trying to understand.
So, im stuck at my parent's house. No money, no close-by friends, no job, no gas in my car. I spend most of my time online searching for a job, and the rest of it watching TV. I hate what my day to day has become. But, i don't want you to read this and become concerned for me or anything. Simply keep me in your prayers. I am in such a good place at my parents house, even if i am bored out of my mind. And i have an amazing church family that support me and love on me every week. Thats enough to get me through
Monday, September 22, 2008
update part 1
Ok... so life is CRAZY right now.
This summer i left my job at Starbucks, after six long frappucinno making years, to work for a family in Redlands as their nanny. While the kids were extremely cute, and the house workers amazing, the family itself stood for nothing i believe in. I felt uncomfortable since day one, and it simply escalated from there. So, a month in i gave my two weeks notice and got out of there... i still havent been paid my last check... but it doesnt really surprise me.
After leaving the nanny job, i finished out the summer at Forest Home. The first week i was a CCA councelor and i absolutely loved it. I had a great cabin and i instantly fell in love with the entire staff. The next week i was an assistant to two leaders up there, which i really enjoyed. If i could do that year round i would! The staff this summer was amazing! They accepted me into their little family right away, and made me feel like i was awesome. Which i am... i just needed a reminder! hahahaha
Once these two weeks of bliss were up it was back to reality. NO JOB. I have spent the last few weeks searching online, filling out applications, submitting resumes, you name it... i've done it! The only thing im not willing to do yet is settle. I left my last job because i hated it... im not going to go out and get some crappy job just cuz they are hiring and be miserable every day... i want something i will look forward to. Something that uses my passions and excites me. But unfortunatly, there IS NO JOB like that. I always tell people, "I'm a jack of all trades, master of none." I could cut your hair, give you a mani-pedi, whip you up a frappucinno or your exact drink order of a venti-half-calf-quad-shot-six-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-one-sweet-and-low-extra-hot-no-foam-latte, watch your children, lead worship, answer phones, ALL at once... while still looking good. BUT i can't get hired anywhere. You tell me where that makes sense!
SO... onto the Texas thing. I think it is great that i post a status update on facebook that says im moving and everyone instantly wants to know more. I should have thought that one through! hahaha! Yes, i would like to move away, and yes the opportunity has come up. There are still just a lot of things to pin down. Like... actually securing the apartment, figuring out moving details, furnished? unfurnished? And that ever present "i am dirt broke" situation. But for some reason this just feels right. And what better time than now.... I no longer live out on my own so there are no roommates or 12 month leases to hold me back. I dont have a job here, and NO ONE seems to want to hire me... maybe those Texans will have the perfect job. There are only a few things that really tear me up... my family and my church. I don't want to leave that! My mom is my best friend... and Texas is far. So that would just suck. And my church is amazing. I have finally found a place where i can call home. Where i am loved. Where i get to excercise my passions. Where i am comfortable. And leaving there would simply SUCK! Plus, where else do you have kids telling you to audition for American Idol!? hahaha i love them.
So right now everything is up in the air. I want to move and i want to stay. I am stuck in between... and not sure what the next step is. But it will all work out. I have no doubts on that.
This summer i left my job at Starbucks, after six long frappucinno making years, to work for a family in Redlands as their nanny. While the kids were extremely cute, and the house workers amazing, the family itself stood for nothing i believe in. I felt uncomfortable since day one, and it simply escalated from there. So, a month in i gave my two weeks notice and got out of there... i still havent been paid my last check... but it doesnt really surprise me.
After leaving the nanny job, i finished out the summer at Forest Home. The first week i was a CCA councelor and i absolutely loved it. I had a great cabin and i instantly fell in love with the entire staff. The next week i was an assistant to two leaders up there, which i really enjoyed. If i could do that year round i would! The staff this summer was amazing! They accepted me into their little family right away, and made me feel like i was awesome. Which i am... i just needed a reminder! hahahaha
Once these two weeks of bliss were up it was back to reality. NO JOB. I have spent the last few weeks searching online, filling out applications, submitting resumes, you name it... i've done it! The only thing im not willing to do yet is settle. I left my last job because i hated it... im not going to go out and get some crappy job just cuz they are hiring and be miserable every day... i want something i will look forward to. Something that uses my passions and excites me. But unfortunatly, there IS NO JOB like that. I always tell people, "I'm a jack of all trades, master of none." I could cut your hair, give you a mani-pedi, whip you up a frappucinno or your exact drink order of a venti-half-calf-quad-shot-six-pump-sugar-free-vanilla-one-sweet-and-low-extra-hot-no-foam-latte, watch your children, lead worship, answer phones, ALL at once... while still looking good. BUT i can't get hired anywhere. You tell me where that makes sense!
SO... onto the Texas thing. I think it is great that i post a status update on facebook that says im moving and everyone instantly wants to know more. I should have thought that one through! hahaha! Yes, i would like to move away, and yes the opportunity has come up. There are still just a lot of things to pin down. Like... actually securing the apartment, figuring out moving details, furnished? unfurnished? And that ever present "i am dirt broke" situation. But for some reason this just feels right. And what better time than now.... I no longer live out on my own so there are no roommates or 12 month leases to hold me back. I dont have a job here, and NO ONE seems to want to hire me... maybe those Texans will have the perfect job. There are only a few things that really tear me up... my family and my church. I don't want to leave that! My mom is my best friend... and Texas is far. So that would just suck. And my church is amazing. I have finally found a place where i can call home. Where i am loved. Where i get to excercise my passions. Where i am comfortable. And leaving there would simply SUCK! Plus, where else do you have kids telling you to audition for American Idol!? hahaha i love them.
So right now everything is up in the air. I want to move and i want to stay. I am stuck in between... and not sure what the next step is. But it will all work out. I have no doubts on that.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
jobs...
I finally got a new job. Most of you knew that i was praying and searching for a new job. Starbucks just got really old, really fast. I had been there too long, and i was getting burnt out. Well, the Lord definitly answers prayers in the craziest ways (one summer we taught that God is "crazy and mysterious" and it is so true!).
Today was my last official day at Starbucks... and allthough i am BEYOND EXCITED about never having to make a single frapucinno again, it was definitly bittersweet! Two of my dear friends brought me flowers, and one of my favorite people to work with, Chip, was pretty sad. When i got to my car i was a little choked up, cuz it is OVER, over. Its just weird.
I am now a nanny. I watch a 2 year old little girl named Kensington, and a 6 year old boy named Elijah. The parents both own a lot of different businesses and they are pretty well off. Enough for the Mom to need a personal assistant. This is where God starts to work... My sister-in-law, Dana, got hired as the personal assistant after meeting the mom at dana's old job. After a few weeks, the mom brought up that they might look for a new nanny. Dana had mentioned the possibility to me, and within a few days i was hired! I hadn't even MET the mom yet and they were ready for me to start! It's incredible. The kids are cute beyond all reason. The family is SUPER loving! The workers are all sweet! And they live in my dream home! No, im being serious! When i was in Cosmo school i would drive home the same way every day just so i could drive past this BEAUTIFUL home and simply drool over it... NOW i WORK there! Its crazy!
But praise God i have this new job... it will be challenging, and it will definitly grow me a lot... but im excited for it. Also, if my dream job at FoHo opens up... i'm still planning on going for it... Speaking of FoHo... i LOVE the staff this summer. LOVE THEM!
Thats all for now, i am exhausted and need to take a nap!
Today was my last official day at Starbucks... and allthough i am BEYOND EXCITED about never having to make a single frapucinno again, it was definitly bittersweet! Two of my dear friends brought me flowers, and one of my favorite people to work with, Chip, was pretty sad. When i got to my car i was a little choked up, cuz it is OVER, over. Its just weird.
I am now a nanny. I watch a 2 year old little girl named Kensington, and a 6 year old boy named Elijah. The parents both own a lot of different businesses and they are pretty well off. Enough for the Mom to need a personal assistant. This is where God starts to work... My sister-in-law, Dana, got hired as the personal assistant after meeting the mom at dana's old job. After a few weeks, the mom brought up that they might look for a new nanny. Dana had mentioned the possibility to me, and within a few days i was hired! I hadn't even MET the mom yet and they were ready for me to start! It's incredible. The kids are cute beyond all reason. The family is SUPER loving! The workers are all sweet! And they live in my dream home! No, im being serious! When i was in Cosmo school i would drive home the same way every day just so i could drive past this BEAUTIFUL home and simply drool over it... NOW i WORK there! Its crazy!
But praise God i have this new job... it will be challenging, and it will definitly grow me a lot... but im excited for it. Also, if my dream job at FoHo opens up... i'm still planning on going for it... Speaking of FoHo... i LOVE the staff this summer. LOVE THEM!
Thats all for now, i am exhausted and need to take a nap!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
People watching...
It is HOT out here. Today, in order to escape the triple digits, i decided to spend my afternoon at Barnes and Noble. Mostly because i can sit, uninterrupted, for hours... in an air conditioned building... for FREE! And, it helps that i enjoy reading as well. But, more than reading, i enjoy the people. I must get the thrill of people watching from my Mom. Once, we sat at California Disney, and just laughed to ourselves about the interesting people. Here are a few of the humorous things i saw today.
Colorful woman: Oh my. Blue pants. Pink shirt. Yellow sweater. Top it all off with multi colored sandals to match. A book called "No more meltdowns." And you have the people watcher's delight!
Scene Kid: Love it. TOO tight girly pants. White shirt with abstract face on it. Strutting his stuff over to the latest fiction. Completely oblivious that his "awesome" hair cut is simply a mullet mixed with a flat-iron. Classic.
Kids in the corner: This was weird. There were a ton of teenage kids... maybe a bit younger... in the "anime" section. Just sitting all over the floor, engulfed in their Japanese animated books. My brother used to be into that and i pictured him as a geeky 13 year old, sitting on the floor of an overcrowded bookstore, dying to find out the latest adventures in DragonBall Z!
Mother and Daughter: What a pair! Socially awkward to say the least, but endearing. The mom continually asked the daughter if she was ok... if she was comfortable... etc. The daughter politely answered that she was fine, when Lord knows she'd much rather be in a cozy chair then leaning against a rack of cookbooks and sitting uncomfortably on the ground. I noticed the Mom's neon green scrunchie, and her bright blue; over-applied eyeshadow and couldn't help but check on the daughter. Luckily she had grown out of that phase with the rest of us and looked like a typical teenage girl. Exclaiming to her mother how upset she was over some celebrity being caught with marijuana, as her mother calmly replied, "Well, sometimes you just don't know, honey." And she returned her attention the her book about I Love Lucy.
Dating Couple: How sweet, i thought, they came here to read together. But i was denied the joy of that thought rather quickly. Boy slumps into chair. T-shirt with a kid on it, flipping the "double duece." Opens up a book (a picture book mind you) and sighs loudly. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to be there. Girl places herself in chair and fixes her skirt around her. Opens up her bright pink novel and begins to read intently. Boy gets up and leaves plenty of times, and a dozen or more people come to see... "Is this seat taken?" Without even lifting her eyes girl simply replies, "yes" and continues her reading. Boy returns to use girls bright pink cell phone to have a loud conversation with his mother. Girl complains about being hungry. (I'm happy now cuz they might leave soon). Boy says that there is a Starbucks in the store. "What would i get from Starbucks!?" (i wanted to give her options but thought it best to leave my job at the workplace, right?). Girl complains about only having ten dollars. Boy gets up and stomps off. Girl stands up and follows. I continue peacefully in my reading. And... scene.
Starbucks customer: Ok... it's always weird to see a customer someplace outside of our store. But this one was a treat. She is this crazy lady who comes in and gets an extremely unhealthy version of a seemingly healthy drink. Iced black tea... harmless. TWELVE pumps of classic syrup... death in a cup. She frequents our store, sometimes twice daily, always leaving with said drink and a different pastry. One of my baristas asked me today, "Don't you think she would drink something better, being that she's a nurse and all?" Well... here she is, no less than a few hours later, sipping down another venti with a piece of cake from the bakery. Like the twelve pumps of artificial sugar water isn't sweet enough... you have to chase it with a chocolate dessert... great.
The Cat Lady: An elderly lady, sitting across the section of "comfy chairs" that i was in. She had white hair, and a face that made a constant frown. She plopped into the chair and whipped out the latest edition of "Kittens U.S.A!" The cover story was "Everything you ever wanted to know about Kittens!" I laughed to myself, and sent my good friend Ashlie a text about it. She shares in the humor of bookstores and CAT things. After a while i glanced up and realized, Oh my, cat lady is asleep! She had positioned herself just so that her magazine stayed upright, as if she was still knee deep in "Over 38 different breeds", but her eyes were shut and i could hear the faintest snore. Amazing.
Oh the joys of a cool summer afternoon. Relaxing with a new book. And planning out your next BLOG in your mind the whole time.
Colorful woman: Oh my. Blue pants. Pink shirt. Yellow sweater. Top it all off with multi colored sandals to match. A book called "No more meltdowns." And you have the people watcher's delight!
Scene Kid: Love it. TOO tight girly pants. White shirt with abstract face on it. Strutting his stuff over to the latest fiction. Completely oblivious that his "awesome" hair cut is simply a mullet mixed with a flat-iron. Classic.
Kids in the corner: This was weird. There were a ton of teenage kids... maybe a bit younger... in the "anime" section. Just sitting all over the floor, engulfed in their Japanese animated books. My brother used to be into that and i pictured him as a geeky 13 year old, sitting on the floor of an overcrowded bookstore, dying to find out the latest adventures in DragonBall Z!
Mother and Daughter: What a pair! Socially awkward to say the least, but endearing. The mom continually asked the daughter if she was ok... if she was comfortable... etc. The daughter politely answered that she was fine, when Lord knows she'd much rather be in a cozy chair then leaning against a rack of cookbooks and sitting uncomfortably on the ground. I noticed the Mom's neon green scrunchie, and her bright blue; over-applied eyeshadow and couldn't help but check on the daughter. Luckily she had grown out of that phase with the rest of us and looked like a typical teenage girl. Exclaiming to her mother how upset she was over some celebrity being caught with marijuana, as her mother calmly replied, "Well, sometimes you just don't know, honey." And she returned her attention the her book about I Love Lucy.
Dating Couple: How sweet, i thought, they came here to read together. But i was denied the joy of that thought rather quickly. Boy slumps into chair. T-shirt with a kid on it, flipping the "double duece." Opens up a book (a picture book mind you) and sighs loudly. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to be there. Girl places herself in chair and fixes her skirt around her. Opens up her bright pink novel and begins to read intently. Boy gets up and leaves plenty of times, and a dozen or more people come to see... "Is this seat taken?" Without even lifting her eyes girl simply replies, "yes" and continues her reading. Boy returns to use girls bright pink cell phone to have a loud conversation with his mother. Girl complains about being hungry. (I'm happy now cuz they might leave soon). Boy says that there is a Starbucks in the store. "What would i get from Starbucks!?" (i wanted to give her options but thought it best to leave my job at the workplace, right?). Girl complains about only having ten dollars. Boy gets up and stomps off. Girl stands up and follows. I continue peacefully in my reading. And... scene.
Starbucks customer: Ok... it's always weird to see a customer someplace outside of our store. But this one was a treat. She is this crazy lady who comes in and gets an extremely unhealthy version of a seemingly healthy drink. Iced black tea... harmless. TWELVE pumps of classic syrup... death in a cup. She frequents our store, sometimes twice daily, always leaving with said drink and a different pastry. One of my baristas asked me today, "Don't you think she would drink something better, being that she's a nurse and all?" Well... here she is, no less than a few hours later, sipping down another venti with a piece of cake from the bakery. Like the twelve pumps of artificial sugar water isn't sweet enough... you have to chase it with a chocolate dessert... great.
The Cat Lady: An elderly lady, sitting across the section of "comfy chairs" that i was in. She had white hair, and a face that made a constant frown. She plopped into the chair and whipped out the latest edition of "Kittens U.S.A!" The cover story was "Everything you ever wanted to know about Kittens!" I laughed to myself, and sent my good friend Ashlie a text about it. She shares in the humor of bookstores and CAT things. After a while i glanced up and realized, Oh my, cat lady is asleep! She had positioned herself just so that her magazine stayed upright, as if she was still knee deep in "Over 38 different breeds", but her eyes were shut and i could hear the faintest snore. Amazing.
Oh the joys of a cool summer afternoon. Relaxing with a new book. And planning out your next BLOG in your mind the whole time.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I am so blessed!
Maybe you know that country song? It's by Martina McBride. Here are some of the lyrics:
"I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed"
God reminded me of these lyrics tonight as i was on my way home from a church meeting. And everyone of these lyrics ring true right now! I AM so blessed!
I am blessed to be a part of "The Lounge" staff. I get to work with the Jr. High and High Schoolers at my church. I get to hang out with them, pray for them, lead them in worship, and its AMAZING! Once a month the staff gets together to talk about the youth, the upcoming activities, and to pray for eachother. Tonight we met, went swimming, had pizza and rootbeer floats, and enjoyed eachother in fellowship. And i left feeling on top of the world... singing these lyrics in my head... because i truly am so blessed.
I am blessed that i get to meet with a group of people who LOVE me regardless of my flaws. I am blessed to be able to open up, and be truly vulnerable with these people, knowing that they will pray for me. I am blessed to join with them in prayer, to lift eachother up. I am blessed that they believe in me, and compliment my voice (even when i dont belive it), i am blessed to be able to do the work of the Lord with them standing beside me. I AM SO BLESSED!
Thank You Father for blessing me beyond anything i could imagine! And this is just in one category! If i were to continue, there just wouldn't be enough blogs! Thank You for Mike and Jannae; Jeff and Jess; Thomass and Kristen. Thank You that we can be silly and laugh and play, and then turn around and pray to You with all our guts. Thank You that You have such a MIGHTY plan for "The Lounge"... and WE get to be a part of it! God, You are AMAZING! ♥
"I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed"
God reminded me of these lyrics tonight as i was on my way home from a church meeting. And everyone of these lyrics ring true right now! I AM so blessed!
I am blessed to be a part of "The Lounge" staff. I get to work with the Jr. High and High Schoolers at my church. I get to hang out with them, pray for them, lead them in worship, and its AMAZING! Once a month the staff gets together to talk about the youth, the upcoming activities, and to pray for eachother. Tonight we met, went swimming, had pizza and rootbeer floats, and enjoyed eachother in fellowship. And i left feeling on top of the world... singing these lyrics in my head... because i truly am so blessed.
I am blessed that i get to meet with a group of people who LOVE me regardless of my flaws. I am blessed to be able to open up, and be truly vulnerable with these people, knowing that they will pray for me. I am blessed to join with them in prayer, to lift eachother up. I am blessed that they believe in me, and compliment my voice (even when i dont belive it), i am blessed to be able to do the work of the Lord with them standing beside me. I AM SO BLESSED!
Thank You Father for blessing me beyond anything i could imagine! And this is just in one category! If i were to continue, there just wouldn't be enough blogs! Thank You for Mike and Jannae; Jeff and Jess; Thomass and Kristen. Thank You that we can be silly and laugh and play, and then turn around and pray to You with all our guts. Thank You that You have such a MIGHTY plan for "The Lounge"... and WE get to be a part of it! God, You are AMAZING! ♥
Forgiveness...
I am currently reading the book, "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldredge. It's an amazing book and it is truly opening my eyes to see who i am in the Lord's eyes. It speaks of real beauty, and healing the wounds we have recieved in the past, and being able to move on and grow into a truly beautiful and CAPTIVATING woman of the Lord. It is exciting and it challenges me. (if you haven't read it, i encourage you to do so.)
Well, last week i was reading the chapter on healing the wounds we have recieved in the past. And one section was on forgiveness. As i read through it i couldn't stop thinking of two guys in my life. Both that i allowed to hurt me. Both that left scars on my heart and both that i am reminded or constantly. Both that i cared about. BOTH that i need to FORGIVE! God showed this to me, more clearly than ever before, and just now i finished writing to both of them, apologizing for the things i have done, and forgiving them for theirs. And although a part of me feels sick... i dont really want to bring this all back up... you shouldnt have done that... i know that is NOT the Lord. Because i truly feel released! I feel clean! I feel like i can move on with my life, share these stories with the girls i work with, learn from them, teach from them, and become a better person because of it.
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God.""
And that is what i did.
THANK YOU FATHER! Thank You for allowing me to be broken and to be hurt, because i know now that it has made me who i am today. I know that i am safe in Your arms now, You will keep me from harm. And i PRAISE You for that! Thank You for allowing my heart to be vulnerable enough to contact these guys. Help them to understand where i am coming from. Lord, please don't let this open up any cans of worms... You know? Help me to continue to forgive them. Help them to forgive me. I love You Father. You are too good. ♥
Well, last week i was reading the chapter on healing the wounds we have recieved in the past. And one section was on forgiveness. As i read through it i couldn't stop thinking of two guys in my life. Both that i allowed to hurt me. Both that left scars on my heart and both that i am reminded or constantly. Both that i cared about. BOTH that i need to FORGIVE! God showed this to me, more clearly than ever before, and just now i finished writing to both of them, apologizing for the things i have done, and forgiving them for theirs. And although a part of me feels sick... i dont really want to bring this all back up... you shouldnt have done that... i know that is NOT the Lord. Because i truly feel released! I feel clean! I feel like i can move on with my life, share these stories with the girls i work with, learn from them, teach from them, and become a better person because of it.
"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God.""
And that is what i did.
THANK YOU FATHER! Thank You for allowing me to be broken and to be hurt, because i know now that it has made me who i am today. I know that i am safe in Your arms now, You will keep me from harm. And i PRAISE You for that! Thank You for allowing my heart to be vulnerable enough to contact these guys. Help them to understand where i am coming from. Lord, please don't let this open up any cans of worms... You know? Help me to continue to forgive them. Help them to forgive me. I love You Father. You are too good. ♥
Friday, June 13, 2008
lessons on the mountain
Today a friend and i went up to Forest Home to visit the summers staff. Official Summer Camp starts on Sunday, so we wanted a chance to see everyone, and meet the new staffers before the families started arriving.
Now, to add a little background, I have attended Forest Home as a family camper since i was 5 years old. It's the place where i first accepted the Lord, and like i've said before the Lord has broken me, built me, changed me there. I went there every summer up until last year. And i was heartbroken that i couldnt go back. I made some poor decisions and didnt return as a summer staffer. I was pretty bitter for a while. But now i can see how the Lord blocked me from returning because he wanted to show me that He isn't JUST AT Forest Home. That he can use me and break me and restore me ANYWHERE! Forest Home was becoming my "Summer God Fix" and i definitly wasn't growing. And now i am in one of the best places that i have ever been, especially with the Lord. But still, driving up the mountain, past the same trees, the same broken down cars, the same houses... my stomache starts to turn... I always get just a little anxious. But then, on the way home, i could just burst with Joy. Its always so mixed up and crazy. And i LOVE it.
So back to the real reason i am writing this blog. Wow. The Lord showed me some AMAZING things, just in the few hours that i visited today. But i will choose one... my favorite... and here it is.
Working at Forest Home, i have met MANY great Christian guys. And up until today i never thought anything of it. But as i was looking around at the new staff, and talking about old times with others, i realized what a BLESSING it was to come into contact with so many great men. Each one of them has something that i know the Lord wants me to look for in the man i am going to marry. One is extremely caring. Another more wise than anyone ive ever met. One loves kids with all his heart, another is super adventurous. One, a hopeless romantic; another listens intently to what you have to say... i mean, the list goes on! And what a great way for God to say, "Here child, THIS is what i want for you! Look what i have waiting for you! Don't settle again! Trust me with this... give it over... it is going to be AMAZING!"
Thank You Father! Thank You for the sunrise the other morning at work, and for the great conversation over coffee last night. Thank You for the breeze, and thank You for my MOM. Thank You for these lessons, and thank You for allowing me to see what it is You are teaching me. ♥
Now, to add a little background, I have attended Forest Home as a family camper since i was 5 years old. It's the place where i first accepted the Lord, and like i've said before the Lord has broken me, built me, changed me there. I went there every summer up until last year. And i was heartbroken that i couldnt go back. I made some poor decisions and didnt return as a summer staffer. I was pretty bitter for a while. But now i can see how the Lord blocked me from returning because he wanted to show me that He isn't JUST AT Forest Home. That he can use me and break me and restore me ANYWHERE! Forest Home was becoming my "Summer God Fix" and i definitly wasn't growing. And now i am in one of the best places that i have ever been, especially with the Lord. But still, driving up the mountain, past the same trees, the same broken down cars, the same houses... my stomache starts to turn... I always get just a little anxious. But then, on the way home, i could just burst with Joy. Its always so mixed up and crazy. And i LOVE it.
So back to the real reason i am writing this blog. Wow. The Lord showed me some AMAZING things, just in the few hours that i visited today. But i will choose one... my favorite... and here it is.
Working at Forest Home, i have met MANY great Christian guys. And up until today i never thought anything of it. But as i was looking around at the new staff, and talking about old times with others, i realized what a BLESSING it was to come into contact with so many great men. Each one of them has something that i know the Lord wants me to look for in the man i am going to marry. One is extremely caring. Another more wise than anyone ive ever met. One loves kids with all his heart, another is super adventurous. One, a hopeless romantic; another listens intently to what you have to say... i mean, the list goes on! And what a great way for God to say, "Here child, THIS is what i want for you! Look what i have waiting for you! Don't settle again! Trust me with this... give it over... it is going to be AMAZING!"
Thank You Father! Thank You for the sunrise the other morning at work, and for the great conversation over coffee last night. Thank You for the breeze, and thank You for my MOM. Thank You for these lessons, and thank You for allowing me to see what it is You are teaching me. ♥
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