what a weekend, what a lesson

Ever since Friday night i have wanted to post a new blog, It was going to be called "Whats up with that!?" ...but something was holding me back. I had a really tough weekend, and I'm sure my post would have been pretty sad. But tonight i feel happy again, its a new day finally, and i think i can blog about it without being bitter and stuff. So let me fill you in on why my weekend was so crazy. Get ready... hold on tight... here we go.

I have depression. And no, its not just the "...my cat is sick" "...I missed The Office this week" "...My new shoes don't fit" kind of depression. But the real, dirty, kind. Clinical stuff. And let me just say, IT SUCKS! And this last weekend was not a weekend i would wish on anyone.

I couldn't shake these horrible feelings. I would call my parents and cry and scream. I would sleep as often and for as long as i could, because why be awake and be sad, when you can just as easily sleep? And on Saturday night i drove. I put gas in my tank (not a smart decision being that its about 1 million dollars to fill a tank now) and i DROVE. I took the 215 down to the beaches... then hopped on PCH going south i believe... ended up in Dana Point... and then got back on the 5 and headed home... i think i drove 200 miles... just DRIVING and THINKING and reading way too much into every country song that came on! And guess what? After 200 miles i was no better off emotionally and i was down 40 bucks from the gas. LAME.
The next day i didn't do worship for the Jr.High/High schoolers at church... i knew that my heart wasn't in it, so it just wouldn't be right. I thought i could go to church and feel ok... but instead i felt awful. I couldn't sit there and be happy. I couldn't worship. I felt sick. So i left (more wasted gas unfortunately). I drove to work and called my manager outside and explained to her through the tears that i didn't think I'd make it to work the next day, and that i was planning on going to the Dr's later that night. She understood and took care of me, which i really appreciate. After a nice break from these thoughts and feelings at the Lounge Luau, i drove home and the sadness came rushing back at me.
I drove myself to the ER in hopes that they would simply admit me for the night... put me up in some room, with an IV pumping artificial happiness in me, and then let me leave the next day. Hahaha... instead some Dr. i will probably never see again listened to me cry for a good 5 minutes and then simply prescribed me a new medicine (more money mind you!). It was quite an out of body experience walking into an ER and saying "I'm here because I'm depressed and didn't know where else to go." No one treats you the same after that. Its like you are this time-bomb that's about to go off... no one will say the word "depressed" around you... the nurses skirt around it while they are taking your weights and temps and stuff... and they get you in as quickly as possible. But no one REALLY wants to touch that subject. I left the ER, got into my car, and just cried. I felt so alone and so lame. What a joke.
Monday came around and i slept ALL day. My mom even came over and did my laundry and brought food... but i just layed there. It was pretty pathetic. Today, work was tough... i was really irritable and i would cry at the slightest rude customer... so you could imagine how tough it was... Then, as the day went on i felt a little bit better... then more... and more. And now... its like i said, "its a brand new day!"

I don't know what it is, but i feel like this is coming to a close. Another crazy episode is ending, and I'm a better person because of it. The Lord is teaching me so many new things... every single day... this time he just needed me to be BROKEN before he could show me these things. He is in control! He has these crazy plans all laid out, and he will allow me to go through struggles and hard times, because in the end i will grow... and the GLORY will all be to HIM! I wish i could always see with the eyes i have right now. God, You are too good to me. Thanks for the crappy times... thanks for the awesome times... thanks for the tears and thanks for the laughter. I'm glad you can teach us things in all situations.

What an AWESOME God!