Ouch...

I dont know how i am supposed to feel about all this. I am not the type of girl to have guys falling at my feet. I'm not pretty. I'm not "girlfriend" material. SO when i finally found someone to make me feel worthy... to make me feel beautiful... it was a serious thing. When our relationship ended, i was sad, but it definitly wasn't the end of the world. Well... now, the only person who ever made me feel beautiful, the person who took so much of me, the person that i willingly gave so much of myself over to... he's engaged.

It kinda made me a little sick to my stomache... like all the wind got knocked out of me at once. I was mostly shocked, it feels like just yesterday... oh whatever i dont want to get all sentimental. I am just shocked... and now feeling a little down on myself. When will it be my turn? When will someone come around who likes me for me... and not just a fun fling that ends in heartache like the last one... something deeper... when do i get that? I feel like everyone else got the fastpass tickets for this ride... and im stuck waiting in line.

"Dear Andrew"

I wrote a song last night. Well... i guess i finished it last night really. I have been thinking about it for a while now... writing down little lines here and there... in my planner... on napkins... thinking of things in the middle of the night and literally recording my own voice on my cell phone of all things. Well, last night i sat down with my guitar, Rilo (yes she has a name), and finished the song. I'm pretty proud of it. It is inspired obviously by my friend Andy. We used to be very close untill a year or so ago when he started to make some poor decisions and just kinda dissapeard. I know it breaks his families hearts... and it breaks mine as well. This song is just a way for me to express that. The sadness that is there... the hope that he will come around... and the love that we all have for him, regardless of what he has done. But most important, that the LORD loves him regardless. So... here it is.

I always loved you

So does He.

I always loved you

So come home please.

We need your laughter

We need your smile.

I always loved you

Its been a while.

Chorus:

Dear Andrew. Dear Andrew.

Don't you know that i miss you?

Don't you know that your momma cries?

Don't you know he delights in you?

Dear Andrew. Dear Andrew.

Remember the time

We drove into the dawn?

Remember the time

We made robots on your front lawn?

Or when we were dancing

To music no one could hear?

Remember the time

We pretended not to fear?

(Chorus)

Bridge: (2xs)

Wasted away

All those years.

Nothing to say

Hold back tears.

Whatever you've done

I'll always feel the same.

Whatever you've done

My feelings will not change.

So why not come home

Our arms are open wide.

Whatever you've done

Dry the tears from your eyes.

(Chorus)

I always loved you

So come home please.

a little taste...

I have a song/poetry journal. And i thot maybe i should post some of them... i don't know why. It's all so very personal. Just a bunch of words brought to existence because of things that have occured in my life. My life isn't horrible... it's actually quite good. But sometimes i just need to write. Write about anything and everything. So here's a glimpse into my heart and mind.

12/27/2006

"Begging for affection.

Dying for a cure.
Praying for a sign.
Living for a lie.

Living in a lie.

Living lies.

Lies fed to me daily.

Lies i so willingly believe.

You aren't worth anything...

me

You aren't beautiful...

me

No one wants to be with you.

No one wants you.

No one.

me."

1/08/2007

"When does the pain stop?

It creeps up on me,

Suddenly stealing the air from my lungs.

Wringing out my heart until there's nothing left.

But there's always something left."

2/19/2007

"This is not me.

I play games.

I sing songs.

I cuddle with my friends.

I go on walks through the little town we have created in the forest.

I give band-aids to kids.

I pray over the day ahead.

I take naps with the windows open.

I listen to the sounds of summer-

the birds outside.

the merry-go-round.

kids splashing.

yelling.

laughing.

cannon ball after cannon ball.

This is not me.

Here is not my home."