People watching...

It is HOT out here. Today, in order to escape the triple digits, i decided to spend my afternoon at Barnes and Noble. Mostly because i can sit, uninterrupted, for hours... in an air conditioned building... for FREE! And, it helps that i enjoy reading as well. But, more than reading, i enjoy the people. I must get the thrill of people watching from my Mom. Once, we sat at California Disney, and just laughed to ourselves about the interesting people. Here are a few of the humorous things i saw today.

Colorful woman: Oh my. Blue pants. Pink shirt. Yellow sweater. Top it all off with multi colored sandals to match. A book called "No more meltdowns." And you have the people watcher's delight!

Scene Kid: Love it. TOO tight girly pants. White shirt with abstract face on it. Strutting his stuff over to the latest fiction. Completely oblivious that his "awesome" hair cut is simply a mullet mixed with a flat-iron. Classic.

Kids in the corner: This was weird. There were a ton of teenage kids... maybe a bit younger... in the "anime" section. Just sitting all over the floor, engulfed in their Japanese animated books. My brother used to be into that and i pictured him as a geeky 13 year old, sitting on the floor of an overcrowded bookstore, dying to find out the latest adventures in DragonBall Z!

Mother and Daughter: What a pair! Socially awkward to say the least, but endearing. The mom continually asked the daughter if she was ok... if she was comfortable... etc. The daughter politely answered that she was fine, when Lord knows she'd much rather be in a cozy chair then leaning against a rack of cookbooks and sitting uncomfortably on the ground. I noticed the Mom's neon green scrunchie, and her bright blue; over-applied eyeshadow and couldn't help but check on the daughter. Luckily she had grown out of that phase with the rest of us and looked like a typical teenage girl. Exclaiming to her mother how upset she was over some celebrity being caught with marijuana, as her mother calmly replied, "Well, sometimes you just don't know, honey." And she returned her attention the her book about I Love Lucy.

Dating Couple: How sweet, i thought, they came here to read together. But i was denied the joy of that thought rather quickly. Boy slumps into chair. T-shirt with a kid on it, flipping the "double duece." Opens up a book (a picture book mind you) and sighs loudly. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to be there. Girl places herself in chair and fixes her skirt around her. Opens up her bright pink novel and begins to read intently. Boy gets up and leaves plenty of times, and a dozen or more people come to see... "Is this seat taken?" Without even lifting her eyes girl simply replies, "yes" and continues her reading. Boy returns to use girls bright pink cell phone to have a loud conversation with his mother. Girl complains about being hungry. (I'm happy now cuz they might leave soon). Boy says that there is a Starbucks in the store. "What would i get from Starbucks!?" (i wanted to give her options but thought it best to leave my job at the workplace, right?). Girl complains about only having ten dollars. Boy gets up and stomps off. Girl stands up and follows. I continue peacefully in my reading. And... scene.

Starbucks customer: Ok... it's always weird to see a customer someplace outside of our store. But this one was a treat. She is this crazy lady who comes in and gets an extremely unhealthy version of a seemingly healthy drink. Iced black tea... harmless. TWELVE pumps of classic syrup... death in a cup. She frequents our store, sometimes twice daily, always leaving with said drink and a different pastry. One of my baristas asked me today, "Don't you think she would drink something better, being that she's a nurse and all?" Well... here she is, no less than a few hours later, sipping down another venti with a piece of cake from the bakery. Like the twelve pumps of artificial sugar water isn't sweet enough... you have to chase it with a chocolate dessert... great.

The Cat Lady: An elderly lady, sitting across the section of "comfy chairs" that i was in. She had white hair, and a face that made a constant frown. She plopped into the chair and whipped out the latest edition of "Kittens U.S.A!" The cover story was "Everything you ever wanted to know about Kittens!" I laughed to myself, and sent my good friend Ashlie a text about it. She shares in the humor of bookstores and CAT things. After a while i glanced up and realized, Oh my, cat lady is asleep! She had positioned herself just so that her magazine stayed upright, as if she was still knee deep in "Over 38 different breeds", but her eyes were shut and i could hear the faintest snore. Amazing.


Oh the joys of a cool summer afternoon. Relaxing with a new book. And planning out your next BLOG in your mind the whole time.

I am so blessed!

Maybe you know that country song? It's by Martina McBride. Here are some of the lyrics:

"I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed"

God reminded me of these lyrics tonight as i was on my way home from a church meeting. And everyone of these lyrics ring true right now! I AM so blessed!

I am blessed to be a part of "The Lounge" staff. I get to work with the Jr. High and High Schoolers at my church. I get to hang out with them, pray for them, lead them in worship, and its AMAZING! Once a month the staff gets together to talk about the youth, the upcoming activities, and to pray for eachother. Tonight we met, went swimming, had pizza and rootbeer floats, and enjoyed eachother in fellowship. And i left feeling on top of the world... singing these lyrics in my head... because i truly am so blessed.

I am blessed that i get to meet with a group of people who LOVE me regardless of my flaws. I am blessed to be able to open up, and be truly vulnerable with these people, knowing that they will pray for me. I am blessed to join with them in prayer, to lift eachother up. I am blessed that they believe in me, and compliment my voice (even when i dont belive it), i am blessed to be able to do the work of the Lord with them standing beside me. I AM SO BLESSED!

Thank You Father for blessing me beyond anything i could imagine! And this is just in one category! If i were to continue, there just wouldn't be enough blogs! Thank You for Mike and Jannae; Jeff and Jess; Thomass and Kristen. Thank You that we can be silly and laugh and play, and then turn around and pray to You with all our guts. Thank You that You have such a MIGHTY plan for "The Lounge"... and WE get to be a part of it! God, You are AMAZING! ♥

Forgiveness...

I am currently reading the book, "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldredge. It's an amazing book and it is truly opening my eyes to see who i am in the Lord's eyes. It speaks of real beauty, and healing the wounds we have recieved in the past, and being able to move on and grow into a truly beautiful and CAPTIVATING woman of the Lord. It is exciting and it challenges me. (if you haven't read it, i encourage you to do so.)

Well, last week i was reading the chapter on healing the wounds we have recieved in the past. And one section was on forgiveness. As i read through it i couldn't stop thinking of two guys in my life. Both that i allowed to hurt me. Both that left scars on my heart and both that i am reminded or constantly. Both that i cared about. BOTH that i need to FORGIVE! God showed this to me, more clearly than ever before, and just now i finished writing to both of them, apologizing for the things i have done, and forgiving them for theirs. And although a part of me feels sick... i dont really want to bring this all back up... you shouldnt have done that... i know that is NOT the Lord. Because i truly feel released! I feel clean! I feel like i can move on with my life, share these stories with the girls i work with, learn from them, teach from them, and become a better person because of it.


"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God.""


And that is what i did.



THANK YOU FATHER! Thank You for allowing me to be broken and to be hurt, because i know now that it has made me who i am today. I know that i am safe in Your arms now, You will keep me from harm. And i PRAISE You for that! Thank You for allowing my heart to be vulnerable enough to contact these guys. Help them to understand where i am coming from. Lord, please don't let this open up any cans of worms... You know? Help me to continue to forgive them. Help them to forgive me. I love You Father. You are too good. ♥

lessons on the mountain

Today a friend and i went up to Forest Home to visit the summers staff. Official Summer Camp starts on Sunday, so we wanted a chance to see everyone, and meet the new staffers before the families started arriving.

Now, to add a little background, I have attended Forest Home as a family camper since i was 5 years old. It's the place where i first accepted the Lord, and like i've said before the Lord has broken me, built me, changed me there. I went there every summer up until last year. And i was heartbroken that i couldnt go back. I made some poor decisions and didnt return as a summer staffer. I was pretty bitter for a while. But now i can see how the Lord blocked me from returning because he wanted to show me that He isn't JUST AT Forest Home. That he can use me and break me and restore me ANYWHERE! Forest Home was becoming my "Summer God Fix" and i definitly wasn't growing. And now i am in one of the best places that i have ever been, especially with the Lord. But still, driving up the mountain, past the same trees, the same broken down cars, the same houses... my stomache starts to turn... I always get just a little anxious. But then, on the way home, i could just burst with Joy. Its always so mixed up and crazy. And i LOVE it.

So back to the real reason i am writing this blog. Wow. The Lord showed me some AMAZING things, just in the few hours that i visited today. But i will choose one... my favorite... and here it is.

Working at Forest Home, i have met MANY great Christian guys. And up until today i never thought anything of it. But as i was looking around at the new staff, and talking about old times with others, i realized what a BLESSING it was to come into contact with so many great men. Each one of them has something that i know the Lord wants me to look for in the man i am going to marry. One is extremely caring. Another more wise than anyone ive ever met. One loves kids with all his heart, another is super adventurous. One, a hopeless romantic; another listens intently to what you have to say... i mean, the list goes on! And what a great way for God to say, "Here child, THIS is what i want for you! Look what i have waiting for you! Don't settle again! Trust me with this... give it over... it is going to be AMAZING!"

Thank You Father! Thank You for the sunrise the other morning at work, and for the great conversation over coffee last night. Thank You for the breeze, and thank You for my MOM. Thank You for these lessons, and thank You for allowing me to see what it is You are teaching me. ♥

Who is HE to you?

God is SO many things for all of us! Today i was just reminded of a few...


God IS our PROTECTOR!
Even in the smallest things!
Last night i, being a FOOL, totally touched the HOT stove right after tkaing a pan off the flame... WHAT!? So lame. I touched it with the tips of some of my fingers on my left hand. Oh crap... i play guitar, and burnt fingertips could totally screw it up! Not to mention that i had to lead worship this morning. I looked at my fingers and didn't feel a THING! My fingers have grown calluses on the tips from playing guitar so often that the burn didnt hurt at all. Nothing happened! God protected my fingers!


God IS our HEALER!
And not just in the physical things!
You all know that i struggle with depression. And last weekend it was pretty bad. Now, a week later... im feeling so good. I'm surrounded by joy and encouragment and love and a feeling of PEACE that can only come from God. I am taking my antidepressants and i can already feel the effects... i KNOW that the pills help. I just need to be diligent in taking them. And i heard something this week that made me really check myself. If i am to be diligently following the Lord and seeking after Him, i need to be diligent in ALL my commitments. That includes my commitment to taking pills to make me feel better. So, next time i crawl into bed and think, "No, those pills dont help... im tired of being dependant on them." I need to remember this. But God has definitly healed a part of me, just in this past short week.


God IS our FRIEND!
Sometimes, when i get off of work at noon... and i have already completed a full eight hours of work... i get home and i am SO lonely. This week i was thinking about how LONELY i felt... then i thought, "I ALWAYS have the Lord." He will sit with me at Starbucks as i read the love letter he wrote to me. He loves to listen to me sing to him. He listens to every word that comes out of my mouth (even before i say it), he is THERE! Although he isn't tangible, and those feelings of loneliness are bound to creep up sooner or later, i am relishing in the fact that God is my BFF.






Yay God... you're a cool guy.

i like it...

One summer a bunch of girls on staff at FoHo made their "likes/dislikes" lists. They would go on for pages... pages... pages... Mine is written in the back of one of my many journals. Yesterday i spent a good amount of time just simply remembering those summers. Remembering all the amazing memories. The great friends. The RAD kids and equally as rad parents. The worship. The Prayers. The laughter. The tears. It was good to rememeber. A little bit bittersweet. But thats ok.
All this to say, i remembered the list and ran over a few in my mind. Today i thought i would post some of them. So, here goes.

My likes:

hugs
napping
the veranda
cookie dough
driving nowhere in particular
playing guitar
playing piano
singing
car dancing
new shoes
new dresses
baby clothes
disney music
broadway musicals
blankets
lotion
bobby pins
organization
digital watches
the beach
blogging
pictures
"i know, right?!"
text messages
the smell of rain
tan lines
raindbow sandals
victory circle
reading
iced coffee


that's all for now.
i dont really have anything to do tonight... another night in. Maybe time to touch up that song i was working on...

what a weekend, what a lesson

Ever since Friday night i have wanted to post a new blog, It was going to be called "Whats up with that!?" ...but something was holding me back. I had a really tough weekend, and I'm sure my post would have been pretty sad. But tonight i feel happy again, its a new day finally, and i think i can blog about it without being bitter and stuff. So let me fill you in on why my weekend was so crazy. Get ready... hold on tight... here we go.

I have depression. And no, its not just the "...my cat is sick" "...I missed The Office this week" "...My new shoes don't fit" kind of depression. But the real, dirty, kind. Clinical stuff. And let me just say, IT SUCKS! And this last weekend was not a weekend i would wish on anyone.

I couldn't shake these horrible feelings. I would call my parents and cry and scream. I would sleep as often and for as long as i could, because why be awake and be sad, when you can just as easily sleep? And on Saturday night i drove. I put gas in my tank (not a smart decision being that its about 1 million dollars to fill a tank now) and i DROVE. I took the 215 down to the beaches... then hopped on PCH going south i believe... ended up in Dana Point... and then got back on the 5 and headed home... i think i drove 200 miles... just DRIVING and THINKING and reading way too much into every country song that came on! And guess what? After 200 miles i was no better off emotionally and i was down 40 bucks from the gas. LAME.
The next day i didn't do worship for the Jr.High/High schoolers at church... i knew that my heart wasn't in it, so it just wouldn't be right. I thought i could go to church and feel ok... but instead i felt awful. I couldn't sit there and be happy. I couldn't worship. I felt sick. So i left (more wasted gas unfortunately). I drove to work and called my manager outside and explained to her through the tears that i didn't think I'd make it to work the next day, and that i was planning on going to the Dr's later that night. She understood and took care of me, which i really appreciate. After a nice break from these thoughts and feelings at the Lounge Luau, i drove home and the sadness came rushing back at me.
I drove myself to the ER in hopes that they would simply admit me for the night... put me up in some room, with an IV pumping artificial happiness in me, and then let me leave the next day. Hahaha... instead some Dr. i will probably never see again listened to me cry for a good 5 minutes and then simply prescribed me a new medicine (more money mind you!). It was quite an out of body experience walking into an ER and saying "I'm here because I'm depressed and didn't know where else to go." No one treats you the same after that. Its like you are this time-bomb that's about to go off... no one will say the word "depressed" around you... the nurses skirt around it while they are taking your weights and temps and stuff... and they get you in as quickly as possible. But no one REALLY wants to touch that subject. I left the ER, got into my car, and just cried. I felt so alone and so lame. What a joke.
Monday came around and i slept ALL day. My mom even came over and did my laundry and brought food... but i just layed there. It was pretty pathetic. Today, work was tough... i was really irritable and i would cry at the slightest rude customer... so you could imagine how tough it was... Then, as the day went on i felt a little bit better... then more... and more. And now... its like i said, "its a brand new day!"

I don't know what it is, but i feel like this is coming to a close. Another crazy episode is ending, and I'm a better person because of it. The Lord is teaching me so many new things... every single day... this time he just needed me to be BROKEN before he could show me these things. He is in control! He has these crazy plans all laid out, and he will allow me to go through struggles and hard times, because in the end i will grow... and the GLORY will all be to HIM! I wish i could always see with the eyes i have right now. God, You are too good to me. Thanks for the crappy times... thanks for the awesome times... thanks for the tears and thanks for the laughter. I'm glad you can teach us things in all situations.

What an AWESOME God!