Band-Aids

Wow... it's been two months since i last sat down and shared my thoughts... Lately i have been thinking in "Blog"... i mean literally laying in bed, trying to sleep, but writing a blog in my head. It's ridiculous. Hahaha... well, a ton has happened... but today i think i only have time to write about one... so consider this Part One of my three-part blog catch-up! :)

Here we go!

My heart has been hurting lately. But Jesus always seems to put on the band-aids for me... he should really take up stock in band-aids... he's handing them out like lollipops to little kids. I feel like i'm falling down and getting scraped up around every corner. It gets tiring, but i know it's going to all make sense one day.

A few weeks ago i was at House 2 Home (the church in Alta Loma that i go to) and my heart felt super heavy. Something just wasn't right within me. During worship i couldn't even sing... now THAT is when you KNOW somethings up... when i can't even enjoy my favorite thing! I stood there listening to the words and arguing with God... I want the joy of the Lord in my life "Yeah God... i do... so WHERE IS IT!?" We'll be a dancing generation... "I don't FEEL like dancing God!" After a few songs i finally broke. I was on my knees in front of God, simply sobbing... i havent cried that hard in a long time. I felt like my heart was breaking... and it hurt... but at the same time it was as if God was whispering to me the whole time, "Daughter, i've got you. I know you are hurting... but you gave your heart away! That heart of yours is meant for me! I am going to get it back, and it might hurt a little, but i've got you. You are here in my hands and i've got the perfect band-aid. It's ok to cry. It's ok to hurt. It's ok. I've got you!" So i just cried to my Daddy God... and He was right. I was about to get hurt, and He was going to hold onto me.

That day was tough. I cried on and off mostly all day. I did have a wonderful talk with an old friend... He took me to get ice cream. I felt better... for a while. But the next day when i woke up i felt drained. I didn't want to eat... i couldn't fall back asleep... i didn't want to do anything. I decided that i officially had what i like to call a "Heart Hangover." I kinda felt like i was walking around in a daze... another friend lost... great. I was completely out of it for those first two days. Wednesday came around and something much bigger came up (thats for the next blog) and i completely pushed all this hurt aside. I didn't have time to worry or be upset about this anymore...

Saturday night rolls around and it's the end of another long month. Which means "Saturday Night Live" at House 2 Home. Every last Saturday we put on a prayer and worship night and it is amazing. People get blown away by the presence of God every time... it's never the same... i LOVE it. Well... while the concerns from Wednesday were first on my heart, i realized there at church that i never really finished being hurt... going through the process and healing... And thats when i realized it was time for some forgiveness... yuck. never a fun thing. I sat there and listened while these young kids took turns getting up and praying and interceding for their friends. I felt that i really needed to pray for my friend Andy, but as i was walking up to the microphone i realized, "How can i stand here and pray for someone that i love, when i am angry and bitter at someone else that i love..." ugh. i was torn. That's when i remembered that little piece on forgiveness from the book "Captivating." I have posted it twice before... you better believe i am posting it again. It's a good thing to remember...

"Forgiveness is a CHOICE. It is not a feeling- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will... We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past... We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we chose to extend forgiveness to... those who hurt us. This is NOT saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is NOT saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And i release you. I give you to God."

Yup... once again i released all of this over to God. Right there in front of everyone. It wasnt easy, and my friend knows that. But, I love that it says that it is a choice... not a feeling. Cuz let me tell you, i don't FEEL very forgiving when it comes to MY heart being broken... but i CHOOSE to forgive because i truly love this friend... and i will CHOOSE to forgive him everytime this hurt comes up in my mind. Maybe thats what He meant when Jesus said, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18:22) You don't just forgive once, but every time you bring it back up in your mind you have to make that choice to forgive again... even 77 times. hmm...

***Geeze, God... You did it again... why do i doubt? You are too good!***

Anyways... thats the story of my recent need for another band-aid.
Stay tuned for my next blog... maybe i'll go get some coffee and finish it today as well...